How many times have you heard that husband doesn’t help with the baby due to many (un)justifiable reasons?
And then you probably thought that something like this could never happen to you because you could have a man at home who would turn into a husband who doesn’t help with the baby.
That’s not how you imagined your home would look one day!
But then, like a thunderbolt, something like this has stricken your home as well!
You’re just standing there wondering, how did you end up with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby?!
Let me tell you something, you are definitely not alone (your husband isn’t the only one who acts like this) in this.
However, if you do not want to put up with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby, then bear with me because I’ll tell you (and all the fierce ladies out there) what to do to turn your careless partner into an equally devoted parent.
So let’s see my parenting tips below!
Things to Do When Husband Doesn’t Help With The Baby
Before I thoroughly dive into this topic, let me first remind you of one crucial thing – being a parent is not a one-man job, even if your child is not a baby anymore. You need to understand that!
First of all, you were the one who carried that child for nine months (and you know that having a baby is anything but smooth sailing) and went through numerous challenges and negative sensations and did whatever you could to overcome them.
Second of all, both of you wanted that beautiful child, so it’s definitely not only your responsibility to take care of your child.
Just because you share a home with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby because he works, doesn’t mean that it’s excusable and that you need to put up with it.
Being a mother is a full-time job, too (and so much more), so if you have a husband who doesn’t help with the baby is generally busy doing other less important things (or simply believes that husband’s help isn’t necessary), then you need to make some changes that will benefit both you and your baby.
So without further ado, I’ll tell you what needs to be done to convert a husband who doesn’t help with the baby into a round-a-clock nanny (that’s a joke, but surely into a more responsible parent while he is at home, and not at work, of course).
Talk to Him to See Why He Behaves Like That
Now, I know that I sounded a bit angry “a few lines ago”.
That’s because husbands who don’t help with the baby frustrate me a lot. That doesn’t instantly mean both of us need to jump to conclusions and assume that your husband doesn’t help with the baby because he simply doesn’t care or he cares only about his work.
No, no, no. Therefore, for starters, you should spark up a conversation to see why your husband doesn’t help with the baby.
Are you being too hard on him frequently? (when he tries to help you with the baby or with the chores)
If that’s the case, then maybe your husband doesn’t feel like he should help you with anything because you will constantly be nagging him about something.
So he simply gave up.
That’s why you should calmly blast off this topic to see what he’ll have to say.
Normal discussion (where both sides state their opinions) will clear the air and make things much better!
Bear in mind that you two need to work things out if you want to be better parents. Parenting is generally much harder if parents are constantly arguing.
What to Do If You Live With a Breadwinner?
A vast majority of women live with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby because he works, but not every woman lives with a husband who neglects his family (and housework) because of it.
Remember, if you tolerate this behavior for a more extended period of time, the situation will spiral out of control, and you will start resenting your husband.
Frequently, lots of first-time moms tend to let the situation get out of control because they firmly believe their only mission (mainly when the baby is very young) is to take care of their child and nothing else.
That’s not what parenting is all about.
In case something like this prolongs, your husband will get used to it and might even get upset when you ask him to help you with the baby. And that’s how inadequate parents were born.
For starters, if you live with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby because he works, then you should make a deal that will go like this:
Once he returns from work, he can sleep a little bit, and then it’s time for him and the baby to spend some time together, without you.
Why is this such a great idea?
Well, first and foremost, you will have the time to do whatever your heart desires, plus your hubby will get the chance to practice his skills and figure out what needs to be done if the baby is sleepy, hungry, pooped, etc.
Of course, in the beginning, it will be a bit hard because your husband will most likely feel lost without your help and guidance.
And who knows, maybe he will flood you with complaints as well?
But don’t worry. All this frustration and anger won’t last forever!
In time, he’ll get used to parenting and will definitely learn to love that alone time with the baby.
Remember that you should never feel guilty for “being away” from them. Just let him do this whole parenting thing for a bit, so you can rest, sleep, or whatever.
It would be much better if you perceived these special moments as a fantastic opportunity for the two of them to bond.
You will see as time goes by a husband who doesn’t help with the baby because he works will start prioritizing the baby over anyone or anything.
Get All The Help You Can Get!
Both parents (fathers in particular) must understand that this new life they have created will be a lot more demanding than it used to be.
Especially in the first couple of months while the two of you adjust. At times, two people are not enough to take care of the little one.
Consequently, if you live with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby, yet you could really use some help, then rely on other people in your life, such as your friends, family members, neighbors, or why not, even fellow workers.
This suggestion is not going to solve your current problem.
However, it’s definitely going to be a huge help which is exactly what you need for the time being.
And don’t be afraid to seek help. Just because you want to act like the toughest momma bear out there (which I honestly believe you are), it doesn’t mean you are almighty, and that little help isn’t welcome.
Allow Him to Grow Into It
If you feel like your husband decided to prioritize child care and wants to start taking care of your baby (after a long time of being negligent), then be patient with him as much as you can.
A parenting journey is far from easy and simple, particularly if you’ve been distant for so long. However, if you want to come home to a loving and happy family, then you must arm yourself with patience at first.
You’ll notice that your husband may act like a huge kid that doesn’t know exactly what to do. And that’s totally fine!
Feeding a baby and putting her to sleep may seem like the biggest challenge to him right now, but that’s okay.
What you should never do in these instances is to compare your parenting method with his. Something like this doesn’t help at all!
Your husband doesn’t need to be compared with you, or other, potentially more resourceful and experienced dads.
Therefore, instead of complaining about everything he does, remember that he needs time to grow into this new “stay home with the baby” role.
Many studies have shown that fathers can positively impact the baby’s social and cognitive development. Thereby, whenever you feel like you want to strangle him (not literally, of course) just keep telling yourself this.
It’s much better to have a husband who is a bit lost but is aware of the fact that every woman needs a husband’s help than to have a husband who doesn’t help with the baby and doesn’t plan on doing anything about it ever, or at least anytime soon!
Understand That He Has Responsibilities Too!
In every marriage, roles are inevitably defined. And that’s particularly important now that you have a baby.
At the end of the day, you’ll be living with this man for the rest of your lives (hopefully) so something like this must be established right from the start.
If you want to co-exist with your partner and live in peace, then you must create flexible mom-and-dad roles that won’t disrupt each person’s pursuits.
That’s why you shouldn’t perceive your role as a mum to be superior to his role as a father.
If you live with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby, maybe that’s because he has lots of his shoulders as well.
And although (as I previously stated) that’s not something that you should tolerate forever, at least for the time being, make sure to understand his struggles and see what both of you can do to resolve this problem.
Your approach should be full of understanding, not sheer ignorance.
Your Expectations Should Be Reasonable
If your husband isn’t too thrilled about taking care of your baby but will do whatever it takes to satisfy your needs and the needs of your child, then that’s fine too!
There’s no need to be overly critical.
In these types of situations (whether you like it or not), you must have more realistic expectations. Even if it means that you’ll be disappointed, keep telling yourself better something than nothing.
Otherwise, you two will constantly fight and you won’t be able to enjoy your me-time when you’re away properly.
I would like to discuss another thing (when it comes to this segment) that most moms do when they live with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby enough, yet is trying to make some positive changes.
Namely, a vast majority of them expect their partners to act just like them (in terms of taking care of the baby).
And that’s definitely the wrong thing to do.
Yes, I know that it’s hard, particularly if you have taken over the role of a “main parent”, but you must keep in mind that maybe your hubby perceives some things differently and will implement different strategies when it’s time to dedicate his time to your child.
And that’s fine. You need to let him parent in his own way, as long as it is beneficial for your little angel.
Just because he doesn’t behave exactly like you do (when he is spending some time with your kid), it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is doing something wrong.
Below I’ll enumerate some expectations to consider when your husband stays at home with the baby:
1. The state of your household – If your husband decided to “replace you” and do whatever it’s necessary to be the loving and devoted father, then you cannot expect to come home and see a perfectly tidy and clean house.
Of course, there are hubbies out there who are so-called “clean freaks”, but that doesn’t mean that yours is too.
So don’t expect him to become one overnight. It’s much better to have a partner who isn’t a neatnik than to live with a husband who does nothing but eat and sleep when he returns home.
2. Food your baby will be eating – I know that most moms sometimes do the impossible to prepare a tasty, but above everything, healthy meal for their babies.
However, bear in mind that that’s not something that most fathers do. Oftentimes, they are pretty sloppy when it comes to this.
So if you plan on being out of the house for a couple of days, then you can either prepare several healthy meals in advance or simply face the “ugly” truth that your baby most likely won’t be eating meals that are loaded with fruits and veggies.
And to be honest, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not like your hubby will give your baby beer instead of milk. (I honestly hope so). So let this go if you can.
Counseling May Not Be Such a Bad Idea
If you notice that living with a husband who doesn’t help with the baby is taking a toll on your marriage, then maybe it’s time to consider counseling.
Perceive this as a tool to get to the root of this behavior.
Who knows, maybe your partner is currently depressed or simply doesn’t know how to tackle various obstacles that parenthood brings.
Or maybe, the two of you have different expectations when it comes to raising a loving and caring baby.
And that’s precisely why you should turn to a therapist because only that individual can determine what’s truly going on.
Don’t forget that it’s someone who is neutral and who’ll be able to spot cracks and find solutions much more effectively than the two of you.
But what will you do if your husband refuses to go to counseling?
Well, then go without him. If nothing, you will receive the great support that you’re currently yearning for.
Living with a husband who doesn’t help with a baby can be a very touchy subject because you do not live with these people, and you’re not too sure how to advise anyone properly without hurting the other person.
What I was trying to do is to understand both sides and perceive things from different perspectives to provide you with the best possible solutions. And I honestly hope I managed to do so.
Well, hello there!
My name is Jennifer. Besides being an orthodontist, I am a mother to 3 playful boys. In this motherhood journey, I can say I will never know everything. That’s why I always strive to read a lot, and that’s why I started writing about all the smithereens I came across so that you can have everything in one place! Enjoy and stay positive; you’ve got this!
Ways to Speak Life Into Your Man • Mama Bean Parenting
Friday 10th of February 2023
[…] He may believe that he isn’t a devoted father, a loving husband, or an overall good human being worthy of love, but just think of all the words you’ve been telling yourself up until recently and do whatever it takes to speak life into your man and to speak the truth that’s going to build your husband. […]