We often hear that it’s important to teach children to respect their parents.
But the opposite is also true.
Children can’t learn respect if they don’t see it in action.
In the relationship with parents, it’s they who must set the example and take emotional responsibility.
So, if your mother behaves in a toxic way towards you, you’ll develop resentment.
Your relationship will suffer, and you’ll have a hard time understanding why she’s acting this way.
It would be a perfect world if everyone had caring parents who cared deeply.
Unfortunately, there are many cases where parents behave towards children in an extremely bad and toxic way.
But it’s easy to recognize a toxic mother: what she says says says it all!
And there’s a precise list of phrases that a healthy, attentive mother should never utter.
If you hear them often, it’s an unfortunate sign that your mother doesn’t have the best of intentions.
So you shouldn’t take anything she says to heart.
I know it’s easier said than done!
Now, I’m going to reveal what those phrases are:
1. “Don’t twist the truth, I never said that”
Everyone forgets what they’ve said or done.
But it’s usually a matter of unimportant details.
When you hurt someone, you remember.
When you speak aggressively, you remember it.
The problem is even greater when your mom denies essential facts and refuses to talk about a serious subject.
You remember exactly what she said, but she doesn’t seem to want to accept the truth.
This is called gaslighting!
Also read: Encopresis: is the relationship with the mother to blame?
2. “How much longer are you going to talk about this?”
Instead of talking to you about what’s bothering you or trying to give you advice, she’s almost forcing you to shut up in this way.
This is particularly bad if it happens during an argument.
Your mom should be the person you can always talk to.
But with this sentence, your mom is setting clear boundaries, judging you and showing that she doesn’t care about your feelings.
Even if the subject is important to you, she’s not going to show any interest.
3. “You’re like…”
It’s one thing to say that in a joking tone.
But it’s quite another to belittle you by comparing you to someone your mom doesn’t respect.
You’re just like your father: lazy and stupid!
It’s not fair to compare your child to someone else.
Nor is it fair to criticize him for his faults.
What’s more, it shows that your mother doesn’t think very highly of you.
4. “Grow up!”
No matter how old you are, you’ll sometimes be troubled by problems that may make your mother laugh, because in her day it wasn’t important.
If you try to talk to her about something that’s stressing you out or bothering you and she responds like this, it’s a sign that she’s a toxic person.
And that’s not all!
She doesn’t respect your feelings.
In the end, if you don’t act in an adult way when faced with a problem, it’s her fault.
It means she hasn’t taught you how to deal with difficult situations.
5. “It’s not my fault, it’s yours!”
As soon as someone starts blaming or rejecting responsibility, it’s not a good sign.
If your mother often blames you for something that’s her fault, it can really affect you, and not in a good way.
Another sign of toxicity!
I’d go even further and say it’s an alarming sign of narcissism.
Parents need to admit their mistakes and ask forgiveness if they expect the same from their children.
6. “Don’t tell Dad
Unless it’s a surprise, such as a birthday party, families who keep secrets are unhealthy.
When it’s something serious, then it’s not fair to ask such a thing of your children.
She shouldn’t drag you into the problems she has with your father or ask you to hide something from her.
It’s as if she were asking you to take sides.
This is the loyalty conflict that many children of divorced or toxic parents face.
7. “Why aren’t you better?”
Your mom should be your biggest fan, someone who supports you through thick and thin.
She shouldn’t be your enemy!
Over time, you’ll start to feel like she’s never proud of you, and you’ll feel like a failure.
This will destroy your self-confidence and deepen your anxiety.
Besides, nobody can be the best at everything.
8. “You should break up with him”
Your parents have the right to give you advice, but they shouldn’t ask you to break up with someone, a relationship or a friendship, because they don’t like that person (or their family).
This is only justified if they see that someone is mistreating you in any way.
It’s true that sometimes you can’t see people’s true colors.
Or that you let your love blind you.
But if your life isn’t in danger, your mother has no right to rule your life.
9. “Sometimes you’re so stupid”
This is psychological violence, like all other insults.
Abuse within a family is not necessarily physical.
It can be emotional, psychological.
Of course, these forms of abuse are much harder to prove.
But they leave just as many scars and damage as physical violence.
10. “Well, no one else has a problem with it, only you.”
If you approach her with a problem, and she responds this way, it’s not normal behavior.
Again, it’s a manipulative tactic designed to put you in the abuser’s position.
She presents herself as an innocent victim whom you’re mistreating.
Someone who does nothing wrong and whom everyone loves.
In this way, she makes you question yourself.
11. “Why don’t you look more like your sister?”
In every family, there’s a child prodigy.
The others are just copies!
Most parents keep this point to themselves, doing their utmost not to compare their children and to treat them in the same way.
Comparisons like this can really have an impact on children, and not a good one.
Everyone is different and that’s how Mom indirectly tells you that your sister is better.
No child wants to feel less important in mom’s eyes.
Of course, phrases like this will hurt and cause problems.
It can even lead to jealousy between you and your sister.