How does a child feel when he sees his parents fighting?

Arguments between parents are common.

It’s a fact of life.

Parents can clash over many things.

From little things like choosing which TV channel to watch to big things like whether they should have another child.

So the stakes and emotions can be high.

Not all parental arguments are terrible.

But the way adults handle conflict in front of their children can have different consequences for children.

Conflicts and arguments are a natural part of any relationship.

When we live with children, these conflicts are sometimes brought up in front of the children.

You may wonder if your arguments in front of your children are hurting them?

It’s always upsetting and stressful to witness a fight between parents.

The good news is that not all types of conflict will have long-term negative effects on children.

The effects of a parent fighting in front of a child depend on its frequency, intensity, context and how it is resolved.

Research shows that conflicts that can have significant negative effects on children have the following characteristics.

1. Quarrels are frequent and regular

It’s always stressful for anyone to see two people shouting at each other, but it’s even more upsetting for children.

Regular arguments between parents can lead to bigger problems for children.

When a child is constantly involved in parental disputes, levels of the stress hormone cortisol rise sharply.

If the fights occur only occasionally, the child’s hormone levels return to normal soon after the episode.

However, constant conflict creates frequent fluctuations in cortisol levels and disrupts cortisol patterns, causing physical health problems such as brain shrinkage, sleep disorders and a weakened immune system.

Frequent conflict is also associated with increased behavioral problems such as aggression and defiance, and behavioral disorders in children such as oppositional defiant disorder.

As a result, the relationship between children and their parents deteriorates.

Children who regularly experience parental disputes are also more reactive.

2. Arguments are intense and destructive

When parents argue intensely in front of their children, the child accepts this form of behavior and experiences tension, negative emotions and a perceived threat.

When a child is exposed to destructive tactics such as verbal aggression, physical violence or unusual threats, his or her aggressive behavior also tends to increase.

Emotional and mental health problems such as low self-esteem, depression, anger and self-harm are more likely to occur in children who witness parental disputes.

3. Quarrels are child-related

The effect of parental conflict on children also depends on how the child interprets the parental conflict.

If the conflict involves a child, he or she may feel embarrassed and worried about being drawn into the fight.

This kind of argument is not only disturbing, but also threatens the child.

Conflict topics of this type also tend to elicit higher levels of aggression.

4. Disputes are poorly resolved

Poorly resolved family disputes can have a negative impact on marital relationships, parent-child relationships and family functioning.

When a dispute has no good explanation or involves blaming the parent or child, the emotional damage to children can be greater.

Research shows that some children, especially boys, may blame themselves for the conflict.

How can we reduce the negative effects on children?

Marital conflict is often a source of family stress and adjustment problems for children.

Although parents may be at odds with each other, the conflict doesn’t have to hurt the children.

Children should not be collateral damage in marital discord.

The following tips can help you reduce the impact of arguments on your child’s mental health.

1. Avoid destructive conflict

You don’t have to avoid all disagreements in front of your children, and in reality, you can’t.

Recent research has shown that marital conflict can be beneficial for development if the conflict is constructive.

Constructive strategies involve calm discussion aimed at resolving problems.

In such an argument, both parties listen and present their points of view equally, and essentially aim to find a solution and resolve the conflict.

Destructive strategies include physical and verbal aggression, humiliation between partners, tears, fear, but also non-verbal anger, parental silence or withdrawal.

2. Respectful disagreement model

Let’s say two kids are arguing, think about how you want them to resolve it.

Then do exactly that the next time you have a heated argument with your partner.

Children learn from their parents’ behavior.

Hostile exchanges between parents unconsciously model aggressive behavior.

They teach children that aggression is the “adult way” of resolving conflict.

Therefore, maintaining respectful exchanges between family members will teach children good conflict resolution skills.

3. Limit topics of misunderstanding

Not all topics of discussion are equally upsetting for children.

Disagreements over finances, economic issues, time management and goal-setting don’t affect a child’s emotions, unlike disagreements over a child’s upbringing.

Limit the types of conflict so that child-related or difficult subjects are only discussed behind closed doors.

4. Use constructive conflict behavior

Constructive conflict behavior is associated with positive child outcomes by improving child safety, positive emotions, sleep, school performance, social skills, problem-solving skills, conflict resolution, stress management and health-related outcomes.

Sometimes, exposure to constructive conflict behavior can be beneficial because children witness how adults handle disagreements and have an example of good conflict resolution.

We need to eliminate accusations and communicate more.

If there is a problem, it should be discussed with mutual respect between the partners.

Try to say what’s on your mind, listen to the other side and find a solution together.

Constructive conflict behavior includes the following tactics:

• Initiating gentle contact instead of aggression
• Be respectful even when you disagree.
• Use constructive criticism instead of shaming or blaming
• Use problem-solving to arrive at a solution
• Explain the situation to the child

5. Seek professional help

Unresolved challenges for families can create risky family environments and serious problems for children.

For dysfunctional families with high levels of conflict, it’s difficult for parents to resolve the situation on their own.

Professional help like family therapy is one of the best ways to get your life back on track.

A professional therapist can help you find a better way to handle high-conflict situations and avoid emotional stress.

In any case, be ready for change.

There will always be arguments.

In every family.

How we approach that argument and how we resolve it affects not only the argument, but also our children.

Remember, the next time you argue.

Resolve the conflict in a way that will help your children instead of leaving lasting effects on them.