At first, Christian thought it was normal that Manon was reluctant to let him have her daughter.
He blamed it on the hormones, the birth and the already close relationship between mother and nursing child.
Again and again, he felt rejected and excluded, even though he would have liked to hold little Camille in his arms for longer.
Their little family was very lucky.
Manon gave birth to her daughter at the age of 44.
The couple had already given up hope, but this miracle saved them.
The plan was for them both to share the work and look after the baby.
And Christian had fought hard to obtain his two-month parental leave from his boss.
He had promised Manon his active support.
But now, since Camille’s birth, everything was suddenly very different.
Maternal control: when dad is excluded
His girlfriend withdrew a lot, and not just to nurse the child.
Her behavior, which resembled that of a nightclub bouncer, made Christian feel completely cut off from both of them.
As soon as he started to take care of his daughter, like holding her in his arms, he would hear a comment like: “No need to tire yourself out, I’ll do it”.
At first, Christian did his best to remain calm and understanding.
But after a few months of “child withdrawal”, doubts arose and he disconnected.
He felt completely superfluous and didn’t recognize his girlfriend.
Nor did any of the attention that should make her feel positive and sympathetic help.
Manon had completely sealed Camille in, as if a door had closed between father and child.
If talking is no longer possible, then the distribution of parental roles has failed.
Manon changed after the birth, mutating into a kind of hysterical mother hen.
Apart from breastfeeding, digestive problems and Camille’s sleep rituals, she didn’t seem to care about anything anymore.
Christian was left behind and the relationship hit rock bottom.
Talking it over with his girlfriend wasn’t an option, as she directly blocked any hesitant approach.
So he tried to make himself useful at least in everyday life: running errands, cleaning, and so on.
However, Christian had really imagined something different when it came to parental leave and equal rights.
As soon as he touched Camille or wanted to change her diaper, Manon criticized him.
Everything he did was wrong, and he didn’t respect Manon’s rules.
In fact, Manon had even become indifferent to the girls’ nights out that she used to enjoy so much.
She preferred to stay at home rather than let Christian be solely responsible for Camille.
How does maternal control develop?
Manon is not an isolated case.
The frequent phenomenon of a mother’s need for control has been the subject of scientific research.
It most often occurs in first-borns, as well as in slightly older mothers.
The term describes the mother as a nightclub bouncer who systematically closes off the father’s (and sometimes other people’s) access to the child.
There are various reasons why some mothers see themselves as “the only qualified specialist when it comes to children”.
For example, some women see the role of mother in our society as “still insufficiently recognized, while the working partner finds the necessary confirmation”.
So they want to make it clear: “I’m highly competent here!
Another reason is that women try to compensate for their lack of self-esteem by assuming the role of perfect mother.
In the exclusive mother-child bond, mothers like Manon can flourish, showcase their perfectionism and bolster their self-confidence in their own claim to power.
Furthermore, maternal control can be realized as a power struggle in a dysfunctional couple relationship.
The conflict often revolves around the relationship between mother and father.
Couple therapists see this as a “bonding disorder”.
As a result, control-addicted moms can’t commit to a relationship with more than one person, choosing instead to focus on the child.
The reason for this often lies in childhood.
The mother wants to control the relationship between father and child, so much so that no bond can develop between the two.
Maternal control during separation
In extreme cases, such as a separation, maternal control can lead to the father being portrayed as heartless, detached and irresponsible in his relationship with the child.
For the woman concerned, this can be a profound confirmation of her own power.
Some of these women grew up in families with a classic division of roles: the father went to work, the child fell into the mother’s sphere of responsibility.
If this pattern is repeated, and the woman sees her role as mother as a blind duty, the perceived imbalance can lead to severe frustration.
To compensate, she denies her partner access to “her domain”.
Even with joint custody!
In the event of separation, the father is often kept away from the child in order to punish him and protect the child from him.
This behavior is designed to show the ex-partner that he has failed both as a partner and as a father.
What does maternal control do to the relationship between father and child?
Of course, rejected parents like Christian are frustrated.
They feel like a disruptive factor and are tormented by guilt.
They usually react with withdrawal and resignation, as their partner remains emotionally unavailable.
As a result, fathers often feel excluded, devalued and at the same time powerless towards their wives.
They experience their wives as unloving and rigorous in their rejection of their fathers’ skills.
To the extent that the role of expert is useful for these women, it is hardly possible for the father to approach them.
And the child also suffers from the lack of paternal love, essential to his development.
Right from the start, he senses discord in the family and his father’s supposed rejection.
It is therefore impossible to see him as a person of trust and respect.
There’s a risk that the child’s helplessness will turn into serious psychological and relational problems.
What can dad do?
The first step should be to start a conversation right from the start.
The partner should recognize his partner’s efforts and clarify his place in the relationship.
He should remain as positive as possible and make serious suggestions that might exonerate him.
It’s helpful not to compete or argue over these points, but to discuss the subject in a calm moment.
Fathers should not blame their wives, but explain what they think, so that their partner understands their behavior.
They don’t have to defend themselves, but they can perceive your partner’s feelings and then understand them.
It’s also useful to decide together who will take on which tasks, so that responsibility is clarified in advance.
The top priority: always act in the child’s best interests!
The first thing to do is to find a fair division of labor and care.
Everyone must question their own attitude and, if necessary, modify their behavior.
It’s important to try to take care of each other as a couple, and to take care of the relationship rather than just the child.
This is the basis of a family that works.
What if dad was guilty?
Maternal control isn’t the mother’s only fault; sometimes fathers have their share of responsibility too.
Their insecurity, especially in the first few weeks with a child, often means they hold back.
When Mum sees Dad’s clumsiness, she immediately becomes alarmed and takes complete charge of the child.
Some fathers are even relieved when the wife takes control and they no longer have to show their discomfort.
While women have been shown to be more empathetic and strong in nurturing and emotional work, men are more likely to express their emotions through their protective behavior.
However, it has been scientifically proven that mothers and fathers are equally adept at raising children.
New fathers can sometimes be a little braver and actively seek their share.
Therapy as a possible solution
Both partners must be willing to undergo therapy and jointly recognize that professional help is needed.
Couple therapy makes sense when fronts have hardened and the couple can no longer cope with their roles on their own.
Individual therapy is beneficial when the mother’s preoccupation is linked to low self-esteem.
Maternal control – what to do?
In Christian’s case, Manon is not ready for therapy.
In the meantime, he has decided to call Manon’s mother for help.
A third, objective person may have the right influence.
However, Paul doesn’t want to remain inactive and is considering individual therapy.
He already has an address.
Perhaps the therapist can help him re-strengthen his own position.
If there’s absolutely no improvement in sight, the fathers concerned can also contact the youth office.
If necessary, a court can also force the father to have visitation rights, but such measures tend to kill relationships and should really be seen as a last resort.
In any case, a great deal of patience and sensitivity is required in this sensitive situation.
Time and many conversations often help the mother to see her wrongdoings and open up to the father again.