There are many misconceptions about parenting in our culture. Some are the result of stereotypes and myths passed on to us as we grow up.
We also absorb – often without even realizing it – images and stories in popular culture, the media and advertising of happy mothers, smiling babies, soft lighting and fluffy pillows.
The result is often an unrealistic image within our community of women who are perfect mothers, fathers who pitch in and are always present, babies who are easy to manage and lives that are fulfilling and near-perfect.
It’s important to note that many new parents come into parenthood with certain expectations of themselves as parents and how parenthood will play out in their new family.
The reality is often very different. And sometimes, the shock of unmet expectations and adjusting to this new reality can contribute to postnatal anxiety or depression.
My first two years of motherhood were extraordinarily difficult and completely different from what I had imagined.
Common myths about parenthood
- Mothers need to be calm, grateful and confident.
- Mothering is intuitive and happens naturally.
- Childbirth should be welcomed and celebrated in its entirety.
- Mothers bond immediately with their babies.
- A mother is selfish if she expresses her own needs.
- A good mother is always available for her child.
- Couples always agree on parenting approaches.
- The birth of a healthy baby puts an end to all previous pregnancy-related losses.
According to parenting myths, as soon as you lay eyes on your baby, you fall in love. It’s as if this magical moment erases all doubts, fears and anxieties.
It’s as if, at the moment of birth, you were given a guide to perfect parenthood. So these myths almost make us believe that as soon as baby and parents meet, they know what to do.
They know how to calm him down, how to change him and what he needs at any given moment. Then there’s the fact that babies are angels. He never cries. All he does is sleep and eat. In short, the myths about parenthood sell us a dream that doesn’t exist.
For me, the magic of motherhood didn’t happen the first time I held my baby in my arms. Nor even in those first few weeks when life as I knew it disappeared and my new life in my old body began.
The realities of parenthood
- Being a parent is a difficult and stressful job, involving long hours and little respite.
- It can take several weeks for a new mother or father to bond with their baby.
- Motherhood is not simply instinctive; a woman learns to become a parent over time.
- Couples can often experience unexpected differences in fundamental parenting values and approaches, which can sometimes be a source of conflict and tension.
- The birth of a new baby can often reactivate past traumas and feelings of loss and grief.
The reality of parenthood can come as a shock to some people. During pregnancy, parents accumulate a great deal of stress, worry and doubt. So when the birth finally arrives, they’re exhausted!
And childbirth adds another layer, if I may say so…
Don’t believe what the media tells you about the magic of parenthood. Love takes time to develop. So, while the bond you have with your child is incomparable, you shouldn’t expect it to appear in a flash or be instantaneous.
Like any relationship, it takes time to get to know each other and develop a strong bond. What’s more, we mustn’t forget all the radical changes that happen overnight.
Accept that a myth is just a myth
One of the most common child-rearing myths is that mothers bond instantly and naturally with their babies. There are even many women who say that, during their pregnancy, they heard this could happen, but never thought it would be a problem for them.
The truth is, your baby is a little person you need to get to know and build a relationship with, just like anyone else. This can take time! Sometimes, new mothers who are overwhelmed and exhausted are disappointed not to have that “magic” moment they’ve been waiting for so long.
We know that some women also develop difficult feelings if they think their partner is getting attached to their baby more quickly. These can be feelings of guilt at not having felt more strength for the little one, resentment towards the partner or sadness at not feeling what they thought they would feel.
Many new moms and dads focus on the first few weeks and expect everything to happen at once. It’s important to remember that feelings of love and strong bonds with the baby can sometimes take time to develop. And that the baby’s well-being will not be negatively affected if it takes time.
As a new parent, it’s important to understand your own definition of “good enough” parenting.
Knowing that you may have had particular expectations of parenting, and understanding why, can help you make sense of your reactions if things don’t go as you planned.
Similarly, if you understand that many of the beliefs you held before becoming a parent are actually myths, it can help you avoid these misconceptions negatively affecting your self-image as a new mom or dad.
However, if the gap between your expectations and the reality of parenthood is negatively impacting your emotional and mental well-being and affecting your day-to-day functioning for more than a couple of weeks, it’s time to seek help from a trusted healthcare professional.