You have to understand that I’ve always wanted to be a mother. It’s been one of the biggest goals of my life for as long as I can remember.
And when I was finally able to realize my dream, I was so excited to see your face and hold you in my arms. Did you know that people compare a baby’s body odor to a drug?
And I can tell you that I’ve never forgotten the sweetness of that scent, even now that you’ve grown up. I remember all those times I held you in my arms, bringing your face close to mine to smell your intoxicating scent.
I loved those moments of sweetness and calm. When you came into this world, you lit up my life like never before. I began to feel a love so beautiful, so pure.
Before I gave birth to you, I had convinced myself that I was going to be the best mother in the world. I thought I would be perfect in the role I had so longed for.
But the reality was much harder than I expected.
Since day one, you’ve always made me want to be a better person; sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve to have something so extraordinary.
I’m tired. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to chase you or play hide-and-seek for two hours. Sometimes I just want to be lazy.
And I get frustrated. I can get overwhelmed. And let my emotions take over. I scream, and maybe a little too loudly.
I get stressed. And I have so many responsibilities; between bills, education, work and everything else, the stress sometimes becomes too much.
Still, I try not to let you see it, but I know you realize it. I’m sad. I never want you to see me cry, but sometimes I can’t control it.
And for that, I’m really sorry. God, I just want to be perfect for you.
And every time I fail and the end of the day comes, I watch you sleep so peacefully, so well and the guilt hits me like a blow to the stomach.
How could I not practice one more minute of patience with you? How could I not endure the exhaustion and play toy cars one more time?
And how could I not be strong enough to make sure you never see my bad side?
You deserve a mother who is always happy, always energetic, always ready to play and help you learn and have fun.
I want to be the mom you proudly tell your friends about when you grow up. The mother who will always support you and love you unconditionally, no matter what.
I’m sorry I failed. But every day I wake up and try to do better. And I hope that’s what you remember.
I hope you’ll remember my efforts, even on the darkest days. I hope you’ll remember the sincere love I try to show you every day.
By the way, I also hope you’ll remember the songs we sang together. And I hope you’ll remember the times I tickled you till you couldn’t take it anymore, or read you the same book 44 times.
I hope you’ll remember the brave face I tried to put on the times I didn’t crack.
I hope you’ll remember the nights I chased monsters out of the closet and stroked your head. Until you finally went back to sleep.
Yes, I hope you’ll remember the times I held you in my arms while you cried. And when I did my best to make you smile.
I really hope you remember all the doubts, fears and insecurities I pushed out of your beautiful little mind.
I hope you’ll remember that even when I was falling apart, I wanted so much for you to be happy. Even if I wasn’t always the best at making sure you were.
And even if I couldn’t be perfect for you like I wanted, I hope you’ll always know that Mom tried.
And no matter how much time passes or how big you get, I’ll never stop. I’ll always be there for you, no matter what happens or where you are.
Mom isn’t perfect, but I love you with all my heart.
Little by little, you may realize that your childhood wasn’t perfect. Mom didn’t always have the means to buy you everything you wanted.
I couldn’t necessarily spend a lot of time with you, because I was working to support us. But I hope you’ll remember that you always felt safe and loved.
I hope you’ll realize that material things aren’t what really matter. Feelings and love are the most important.
And I assure you that I did everything I could to give you that. I’m sorry I haven’t been perfect, but I promise you I’ve worked very hard to become so.
Maybe one day you’ll be a parent yourself and do better than I did.
I love you very much.