All children should have the right to disagree with their parents, but it’s important to teach them to do so respectfully.
I always tell my children that they have the right to disagree with me.
They are 100% free to express their opinion, and I’m always ready to listen.
I don’t want to raise a herd of sheep who think like everyone else and go with the flow.
I want my children to understand that I’m not God and I don’t dictate how they should be.
Of course, I share my experiences, what I’ve learned, my mistakes and my opinions.
But I don’t force my children to follow my path, I simply guide them…
That’s why they have the right to live their own way and be true to themselves.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t have limits: even if they don’t agree with me, they have certain rules to respect.
I don’t tolerate disrespect or aggression.
When I teach my children to stand on their own two feet, I also show them that there’s always a calm and polite way to do it.
Even when anger gets the better of us, there’s always a way of expressing ourselves that doesn’t hurt anyone.
What do boundaries look like at home?
Boundaries give children a sense of security and a comfort zone they can turn to when things get out of hand.
For us, limits are clear and no one has the right to break them (even us, the parents):
- Insult
- Hitting
- Putting down
- ignore
- Shouting
- Throwing things
I often see parents shouting at their children to supposedly make themselves heard and obeyed.
In my opinion, this is the wrong way to go about it.
Not only are you showing them that they’re not allowed to think for themselves, but you’re also telling them that they’re stupid.
You don’t tolerate an opinion that differs from yours because you consider your children to be inferior beings.
You also tell them that violence and abuse are a good way to solve a problem.
On the other hand, if you set limits and respect them yourself, then you’re setting a good example.
Your children shouldn’t be afraid of you, because you should be their rock, their pillar of security.
What happens if my children don’t respect the limits?
Of course, these limits must be respected even when you notice that your children are trying to trigger a negative reaction in you.
You might be angry at their lack of respect, or resentful that they don’t understand why their behavior is wrong.
It’s in these moments of doubt and emotional explosion that you need to be the best parent you can be.
This is when you show your best qualities, patience and tolerance.
If you impose your limits aggressively, your children will be aggressive again.
But if you stay calm, they’ll follow your lead.
Here’s what I do when my kids break cherished boundaries:
1. I validate their emotions and try to understand how they feel, without judging their actions.
I never tell my children to calm down or stop crying.
Whenever they are impulsive or lose control of their emotions, I don’t allow myself to put them down.
Imagine if you’re disappointed by your partner’s behavior and deeply hurt by his words, and your best friend tells you you’re weak or ridiculous.
It’s like a knife through the heart!
It’s the same with children whose parents reject their emotions or don’t make the effort to understand them.
So I make it clear to my children that I understand their reaction and that their feelings mean a lot to me.
But I openly state that their behavior is not acceptable.
Yet I don’t allow myself to say that they’re acting stupidly, violently or toxically.
2. I set limits and correct my children’s behavior.
After making them understand that their emotions are legitimate, I talk about their behavior.
As I said, I don’t judge or criticize them, but I do point out bad behavior.
So, I don’t say ‘you’ve disappointed me’, I tell them ‘your behavior is not acceptable’.
Then I repeat our limits and explain them in detail.
For example, one of the rules is never to insult others, but what does that mean?
I explain in detail what insults imply and why they are hurtful.
Children need to understand the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ to choose to respect boundaries.
3. My children have the right to a second chance, which allows them to say once again that they disagree with me, but within the limits.
The conversation usually ends with me offering them another opportunity to express themselves.
First, I ask if they’ve understood the limits and why it’s important to respect them.
Then I ask them about their mental state: are they ready to talk, or do they need to isolate themselves for a moment?
Finally, I give them the chance to express their opinion again.
For me, their point of view is extremely important, so I don’t want to sweep under the carpet what they have to say.
But I do insist that all conversations are respectful.
How can my children show their disagreement by respecting boundaries?
Having open discussions is essential for all families who want to create a safe space for their children.
You learn who your children are, what they want and what their goals are.
I know that many parents see this as a waste of time because children change their minds literally every day.
But how do you know how they think or what influences them?
I do my best to make my children understand the limits so that they can express their opinions in a respectful way.
In my opinion, this should be done as follows:
1. Sharing their opinions and thoughts
I” sentences are important, because when my children talk, I want to hear what they think.
I’m not really interested in what their friends say, or what they’ve heard in between discussions.
So I often insist that they give me their opinions and thoughts.
I may even start a discussion topic just to see how they react in the moment.
2. Have a respectful conversation
We talk, we exchange and we listen to each other!
No one has the right to impose their opinion on others, and no one has the right to talk while someone else is talking.
It’s not a monologue where my children try to change my mind about something.
It’s really about learning from each other.
3. Listening to other people’s points of view
I always do my best to draw attention to the exchange.
We often hear points of view that we’ve never considered, and which challenge our own opinions.
That’s why it’s so important to listen to each other and to share; it’s the starting point for new ideas and new family projects.
And I love it!
4. Don’t belittle other people’s opinions
It’s imperative not to intentionally cause harm to others!
This means that just because one of my children disagrees with others or with me, it doesn’t give them the right to judge or criticize.
Everyone has the right to stand behind their words and be heard.