Here’s the story of how Sarah came to confide in my psychologist colleague.
Sarah was fast-moving and fast-talking, usually talking a lot and passionately, words as if she were reciting them.
Her eyes always sparkled, she was excited to share her adventures and ideas with me.
But yesterday, she came to me empty.
It was as if they had shaken off absolutely all her feelings, leaving in her only sadness and indifference.
Sarah sat down in an armchair and asked me something odd: “Tell me, can someone love and then stop loving?”.
She went on to say:
“This situation is familiar to me because it’s happened to me before.
I adore a man, I even get goose bumps when I see him.
The feelings grow, get stronger and stronger, then suddenly everything fades away and the man, to whom all this flood of feelings was directed, suddenly seems so unknown to me, that even a close relationship with him seems impossible.
I feel disappointment, emptiness and guilt.
I don’t want new relationships – because I know that either the person will be unattractive to me right from the start, or from my side everything will stop halfway.
It was the same with my first love.
It was the same with my ex-husband.
And now here I am with him…
Tell me, am I normal?”
The answer was actually on the surface.
The answer was in the question itself!
But a psychologist isn’t an encyclopedia of ready-made answers.
Only the answer this person gives will be the right one.
We continue talking, drawing three lines on a piece of paper – three scenarios of her relationships, with three completely different men, not at all similar to each other.
Scenarios that began the same way and ended the same way.
Sarah remembers the details of her first relationships.
“No, these three men have nothing in common. Hmm… Actually… Yes, they did! They looked physically alike.
And not only that – my God, how much they have in common.
Age, same tastes, habits, beliefs, way of speaking, eyes…
Eyes, like my father’s…
And my husband – no, he’s nothing like them.
A completely different person.
He’s older than me and at first, he acted so caring, I always felt like a child next to him, like a little girl…
God, again – Dad?
What do you mean, Daddy?
Is that why I get so attached to men who don’t give the slightest drop of attention?”
“What about your relationship with your father?”, I asked.
“I adored him, admired him, but he didn’t even notice me.
I was lonely as a child, and he and Mom were so cold, busy with themselves.
At some point, I felt completely useless and forgot everything.
Instead of love, indifference appeared and, somehow, everything became the same for me.
I grew up, friends appeared, suitors, I didn’t like anyone in particular, in general, I like very few men.
I hang out with them, many try to move from the friend zone to closer relationships, but I don’t need that, I don’t care.
Only those three men interested me, and I think I understand now why.”
After this discussion, we moved on to the subject of feelings.
We talk about feelings, bring them to the surface, name them, explore their dynamics, look around us as if with a magnifying glass.
It’s important for us to notice where this “interruption” occurs.
It was so painful for her because she was a rejected, unloved little girl.
So painful that even the memory brought tears to her eyes.
Even as a child, Sarah had to turn off all her emotions to avoid feeling pain.
When she meets people who interest her, the flame of feelings she once extinguished within herself now ignites within Sarah.
And her cold heart begins to “melt” in the arms of a loved one.
For a few moments, she believes in her fairy tale.
But at the height of her own emotions, Sarah suddenly feels that no one needs her: the familiar coldness inside, the distance and loneliness.
In all three cases, there were no repeat situations – she was disappointed by different things in her relationships with each man.
For instance, her first love was too jealous and this bothered her, smothered her, insulted her.
Her husband devalued her feelings, he didn’t care enough with her, at some point she woke up feeling empty inside.
And the third man… She melted like wax in his hands.
She trembled like a bird at his every touch, but he was so blatantly indifferent to her that he went out like a candle.
“I suddenly felt that it was all in vain.”
Thus, three different scenarios, with three different people, ended in Sarah’s usual pattern: “They don’t love me the way I need them to – goodbye.”
Conclusion
Dear parents…
Do you think children can be spoiled by love and acceptance?
How many people go to the psychologist – big, strong, dignified managers and athletes, confident businesswomen in high heels, mature men and women with gray hair on their temples.
If only you could imagine what their pain looks like – the pain of unloved children, who once felt you didn’t need them.
They didn’t feel accepted by their father or mother.
They grew up feeling like orphans and now wander the big world with little hope that they’ll be warmed in someone’s arms, meet their soulmate, be needed, noticed, important, to someone special.
They themselves, without realizing it, are destroying their relationships at the root out of fear and ignorance of how to get closer, out of fear of feeling rejected and unloved.
Dear grown-up “boys and girls”…
Trust me, if the stars light up in the sky, it means someone needs them, but you need to understand that not all relationships are made to last.
Why aren’t they?
There could be a thousand answers, and they’re hiding inside you.
I wish you lots of love for each other.