Children often test your limits.
Indeed, they’ll push you to the limit to find out how far they can go without you getting angry. Yet they understand that you’re trying to control their behavior.
But what they don’t know is that it’s for their own good. In your children’s minds, these limits or rules are stupid and serve no purpose.
Except to keep them from having fun and doing what they want.
And even if you explain to them why you have to set healthy limits, they’ll have a hard time getting the message. So, before you get depressed or let your anger get the better of you, here’s some advice for you:
Remember that the continuation of the relationship with the child depends on your reaction, whether positive or negative.
If you’re too gentle, your child’s uncontrollable behavior could get worse. If you’re too strict, the child will feel constrained, which can later lead to problems communicating with others.
Your child will experience strong emotions when rebelling against you, so shouting, threats and phrases like “how dare you, I’m your mother” can only make the situation worse.
Experts advise you to take a deep breath, count to ten and think carefully about whether what you intend to say will really make things better.
It’s best to say that you’ll talk later, when you’ve both “calmed down”. Of course, really talk later. Otherwise your child will think these are empty threats and push the envelope even further.
Find the real cause of his anger.
Responding to parents isn’t always a reflection of the current situation; the real reason may be something unrelated. He may have problems with friends at kindergarten or school, so he’s “bothering” his parents.
You’ll notice this if he comes home nervously from kindergarten or after school. Stay calm and ask a straightforward question: did something happen at school (kindergarten)? Once you get to the root of the problem, it will be easier to solve.
Set healthy, reasonable limits.
Your obedient child was good until yesterday and today he replies: “leave me alone”… Maybe he’s just repeating what he’s heard and doesn’t realize it’s indecent.
Children often hear their friends talking back to their parents and want to imitate them, say psychologists. So tell him it’s okay to say he’s angry, tired or doesn’t care what’s going on right now.
But insisting on yelling and being bold are not options.
Make the consequences clear.
When you tell your child what behavior and phrases are inappropriate, explain what the consequences will be if he crosses the line.
This could mean losing certain privileges, having to do extra chores around the house, going to bed earlier…
Let him know in advance what the possible sanctions are, so there are no surprises. Be consistent, respect the rules – it’s the only way to show you mean business.
Be careful what and how you talk about.
It’s important to be a role model for younger people. They learn by imitating what they’ve heard and seen, especially at home.
If parents have a high-pitched tone in conversation, they’ll think this behavior is normal. Try to treat family members, friends and neighbors with respect, even when you think the child isn’t there (little ears often hear everything).
Praise his kindness.
Pay attention to the fact that when a child is kind, grateful and polite, praise is a must. By doing so, you’re showing your approval for such behavior, and little ones feel good when they see Mom noticing how good they are.
In fact, children really want to make their parents proud. But they don’t yet have the moral awareness to distinguish between the two.
So what you consider bad or dangerous is not something they see under the spectrum of negativity. For them, everything is a game.
And the limits you set are just a way of preventing them from having fun. So take the time to explain why you’ve chosen to set certain rules.
Talk about how you’d like them to behave. And above all, talk about what could happen if they don’t respect the limits.
And I’m not just talking about the consequences of not obeying. I’m talking about the real consequences your children could unfortunately feel.
For example, if you tell your children they’re not allowed to go to bed after 9 p.m., explain to them that if they stay up too late, they won’t be able to get up the next morning, and they won’t be able to go swimming with their friends, because they’ll already be gone.
Or if you forbid them to ride their bikes on the woodland path near your home, tell them they could break their leg and spend the night there, because no one will be there to see the accident and call Mom or the ambulance.