The mother-daughter relationship is very important in every woman’s life. The way a mother treats her daughter in infancy and as she grows up is reflected in her life later on.
Yet the role of parents in raising children is a painful subject for many, and that shouldn’t come as a surprise.
Today, we’re going to talk about the ten phrases that destroy the mother-daughter bond and influence the life of the woman this child will later become.
1. “You have to be…”
The first and most serious mistake many mothers and grandmothers make in raising their daughter or granddaughter is a kind of programming on a mandatory set of skills and abilities that the daughter should master.
- You have to be nice.
- You have to be adaptable.
- Of course, you have to know how to cook.
Over and over again!
There’s nothing wrong or unhealthy about cooking, but the way you convey these “obligations” has a negative connotation.
Your daughter actually understands that she’s not worthy of love or success if she doesn’t meet certain criteria.
If you want to encourage your child to learn or follow a certain path, you have to set an example.
- Let’s cook soup together.
- Let’s choose a new hairstyle for you.
When a girl sees that you enjoy doing something, she’ll want to learn it herself.
Conversely, if you hate doing something, no matter how many times you tell your daughter she has to learn it, she’ll subconsciously feel repulsed by it.
In short, sooner or later, she’ll learn whatever she needs to. Then when she needs it.
2. “Beware, men only want one thing…”
Another mistake often encountered in a girl’s upbringing is the harsh condemnation of the attitude towards men and sex passed on to her by her mother.
- They all want only one thing.
- Be careful, he’ll use you and leave you.
- You should be untouchable.
Your daughter then grows up with the feeling that all men are aggressive and violent. And that sex is something disgusting to be avoided.
However, as the adult body sends her signals, the hormones start to go crazy and this internal contradiction between what she feels and her mother’s prohibitions is very traumatic.
3. Sending contradictory messages
The third mistake, which paradoxically builds on the first and second, is that in her twenties, a young girl is clearly told that the formula for her happiness is to get married and have children.
Preferably before the age of 25, otherwise it’ll be late.
Think about it: first you told her as a child what she had to do (more precisely, you made her a list) to get married and have children. Then, for a few years, you instilled in her the idea that all men are “assholes” and that sex is something base and dirty.
Now you’re sending him a third, contradictory message: you’ve got to get married. This makes no sense at all.
It’s paradoxical, but mothers very often instill such thoughts in their daughters, resulting in the girl’s fear of any kind of relationship and a seriously increased risk of losing touch with herself and what she really wants.
4. “I’m the only one who wants you!”
The fourth mistake is overprotection.
It’s a great pity that today’s mothers tie their daughters more and more to themselves and surround them with so many prohibitions that it becomes suffocating.
- Don’t go out.
- Don’t hang around this person.
- Call me every half-hour.
- I always want to know where you are and who you’re with.
- Don’t be late coming home.
Girls don’t have any freedom, they don’t have the right to decide for themselves because those decisions can turn out to be wrong.
But that’s normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenage girl undergoes a separation process, she wants to decide everything for herself and (except for matters of life and health), she should have this opportunity.
Because if a girl grows up under her mother’s skirt, she’ll be convinced that she’s a second-class being, incapable of living her own existence. She’ll get used to others deciding for her.
Which means they’ll throw themselves into the arms of a narcissist who will control them as much as possible.
5. “Your father is not a good person”.
Fifth mistake: forming a negative image of your father.
Whether the father is present in the family or the mother is raising the child alone, it’s unacceptable to turn the father into a monster. There’s no need to tell the child that she has inherited all her father’s bad traits.
In fact, you have neither the need nor the right to denigrate her father, whoever he may be.
Even if he really is a “jerk”, the mother should take her share of responsibility for choosing such a man as her child’s father. It was a mistake and that’s why they broke up, but you shouldn’t put all the blame on him.
That has nothing to do with it.
6. Physical violence
Beating your child is unacceptable. Pushing your daughter is unacceptable. Any form of aggression should be non-existent in your mother-daughter relationship.
You should know that physical violence traumatizes girls more than boys. Mind you, I’m not saying you have the right to be aggressive with your son. Not at all!
It’s just that a girl’s psychological level of self-esteem falls more quickly to the level of humiliation and submission.
What’s more, if you’re aggressive with her, there’s a good chance she’ll choose violent partners in the future. This is especially true if the father is physically aggressive.
7. Lack of praise
Growing up, a girl should hear how she’s loved, beautiful, capable, strong, smart…
This forms a healthy and normal self-evaluation. It helps your daughter grow up with a sense of self-satisfaction, self-acceptance, self-love. It’s the key to her happy future.
8. Parental arguments in front of your daughter
Parental arguments in the presence of a child are inadmissible.
Especially if it’s about the mother’s or father’s personal characteristics, mutual blame… The child must not be present.
And if this has already happened, both parents should apologize and explain that their feelings and emotions got the better of them for a moment.
They’ve had a fight, but they’ve already made up and, above all, that the child had nothing to do with it.
9. Allowing anything and everything
The ninth mistake is the mother’s inappropriate behavior during her daughter’s puberty.
There are two extremes: allow everything, just so you don’t lose touch, or forbid everything so something doesn’t get out of hand.
Both are bad. The only way to get through this difficult period without causing casualties is intransigence and good will. Intransigence is about enforcing limits.
Communication is the key to appealing to your daughter’s good will.
It’s very important for girls this age that their mom talks to them a lot. You need to ask their opinions, answer silly questions, share their own memories.
Above all, you must speak calmly and never use these conversations against the child. If you don’t respect her confidences or betray her secret, there will never be intimacy again.
Then the adult daughter will say tomorrow:
I never trusted my mother.
10: “I decide your future!”
Finally, the tenth mistake is to impose a vision of life on your daughter.
Girls should never be told that their lives must involve certain things.
- Getting married
- Having children
- Losing weight
- Not gaining weight
A girl needs her mother to nurture her self-confidence. So you need to teach her to listen to her needs and desires, to shape her character accordingly.
And above all, to have the life she really wants.
- What does she like to do?
- What can she do?
- How can she be happy?
She must learn to be happy on her own, regardless of environmental assessment and social opinion. Then she’ll become a happy, beautiful and confident woman, ready for a full-fledged relationship with her partner!