In recent months, our four-year-old has become increasingly aggressive towards his brother, sister and us. He constantly demands our attention, and when he doesn’t get it, he does something aggressive or too rough.
He receives a lot of individual attention from his father and myself on a daily basis. When this happens, we calmly tell him that we can’t let him hit, throw, etc. until his behavior stops.
Lately, he won’t stop and we have to take him to another room so he doesn’t hurt his brother or sister. This is when we give him the opportunity to share his feelings, etc., with us.
Once he’s calmed down, we talk about our rule not to hurt people or animals. Honestly, we feel he’s being aggressive to get our attention.
How can we set firm limits without our son using them as a way to get more attention?
Not all attention is equal
It can be hard to understand why our children seem to keep seeking attention in negative ways when we give them plenty of positive attention.
“I give, give, give to my child and yet… she still won’t let me go to the bathroom in peace. It’s so unfair!”
Very. And that’s one of the reasons you won’t see me echoing the commonly given advice to “fill your child’s cup” (or bucket, etc.). For me, it’s misleading to suggest that if we give children a measurable amount of our attention, we can prevent their challenging behavior.
As with all of us, children’s attention needs are more complex and nuanced than that. They cannot be generalized, accumulated or programmed.
The right kind of attention
Every interaction we have with our children sends messages about their relationship with us and with themselves. In the moments when we give our children what most would consider positive attention, such as being fully present while they play, enjoying an outing together, reading books or simply spending time together, we communicate messages such as:
- “you’re fun to be with
- “I love you just the way you are”.
- “you’re fun, entertaining, interesting, capable”.
- “You have good ideas”.
But when our children behave in difficult or unpleasant ways, they often impulsively (and most often unconsciously) seek another kind of affirmation from us: assurance, acceptance, a sense of security and the strength of our leadership.
Even if he seems disorganized at the time (yelling, fighting us, resisting, persisting), the message of acceptance on our part is positive. Nothing can be more comforting and powerfully healing than to feel accepted by our loved ones when we’re at our worst.
In the situation described by this parent, the messages sought by the child might look something like this:
“You’re safe with us, even when you feel like lashing out… Don’t worry, we won’t let you hurt or upset us… We’re here to help you when you’re out of control.
Your feelings and impulses are acceptable to us… We see the discomfort behind your behavior… It’s normal to feel like hitting and throwing things when you’re overwhelmed.”
So, how do we do this?
In practice, it wouldn’t be much different from what parents already do. They’re respectful and non-punitive, and they even empathize with their child’s experience. There are just a few adjustments I’d make to make sure he’s clearly getting the messages he needs to be able to exhale fully, feel safer and less destabilized.
His relief will translate into calmer, less challenging behavior.
Take this sentence, “When this happens, we calmly tell him we can’t let him hit, throw, etc. until his behavior stops.”
Great… But what to do?
1. Show (right away) instead of telling
Physically restrain the behavior while accepting and acknowledging the feelings or desires. While confidently blocking (without overreacting or overdoing it), we might say, “You want to hit your brother. But I’m here to stop you. I can see you really want to get angry”.
And then maybe: “It’s a scary feeling, isn’t it? I’ll always try to be there to protect you.” Meaning: I’m on your side. It’s okay to feel the way you do.
2. Don’t repeat or reiterate the rules
Although their behavior is driven by impulses, children are usually aware, on some level, that they are outright breaking the rules or not doing what we want.
In other words, they’ve already got the memo and know what to do, but may unwittingly venture to the dark side. Yet our instinct in these situations is often to repeat or rephrase the rules (they must not have heard or understood the first time!).
The problem with this approach is that it’s hard to stay calm when we’re repeating ourselves in vain. Naturally, our frustration grows and gives our children’s behavior power and negative attention.
The message our children really need is not a reiteration of the rules, but our acceptance of their immature, human impulse to break them.
3. Sincerely acknowledge your child’s feelings
Our intention in acknowledging our child’s feelings cannot be to fix or stop the behavior in the moment. Our goal must be to connect with and encourage our children to feel what they’re feeling, to show them that their desire to hit and throw things is actually acceptable to us, even if acting on it is not (a message we teach by preventing these actions from happening).
Ideally, we should understand that we all have dark feelings and that, when we’re stressed or overwhelmed, we can act accordingly, even as adults.
Young children are generally much more sensitive and emotionally turbulent than adults, and they haven’t developed the same level of self-control as adults. As a result, their threshold for acting on their feelings is much, much lower.
If we judge and forbid these impulses (which are, again, beyond their control), our invalidation creates even more stress, leading to even more impulsive behavior.
Seeing and accepting these impulses creates an emotional release that eases the cycle of negative behavior. We’ve been able to treat the cause of our child’s behavior instead of banning or fighting the symptoms.
“Lately, he won’t stop and we have to take him to another room so he doesn’t hurt his brother or sister. That’s when we give him the opportunity to share his feelings, etc.”
4. Normalize impulsive behavior rather than giving it special attention
Take as few steps as possible to block hitting or throwing, and make it look as easy and uneventful as possible. Taking a child into another room to calm down and prolonging this session by repeating rules and lessons gives an abundance of unnecessary attention to these typical sibling behaviors.
This is exactly the kind of attention children don’t need, an endless story about what they’ve done wrong. So, whenever possible, it’s best to stay where we are, calmly blocking the action while conveying a brief message of acceptance and safety to our children. If they have feelings to share, they will.