The emotional vampire feeds on the energy of others for his own benefit. His own well-being comes first, and he doesn’t care what harm his behavior does to others. They need the emotions, presence and vitality of their loved ones, but are never able to reciprocate.
In short, an emotional vampire is not a person capable of living independently.
Before I talk about fathers as emotional vampires, let me tell you a story.
Today, David and Sarah are divorced. But they were once a perfect couple.
When it came to entertainment, David was always a good father. But as soon as the game was over, he forgot all about being a dad. Sarah constantly explained to him that being a parent meant doing everything that was necessary and not fun, like changing diapers, helping with homework, taking the kids to the doctor, following boring school programs and, above all, constantly imposing rules.
David’s approach to rules was such that he didn’t pay attention to them at all, and would get upset over the smallest restrictions that made his life bitter.
Could Sarah have acted differently, to the extent that it might have affected the end result? It’s hard to say.
If you’re trying to raise children with an emotional vampire, I’ll give you a few tips. These tips are only applicable if you’re still in a relationship with the father of your children.
1. Order and discipline
With children and emotional vampires, it’s very important that you solve one element at a time. Many daily parenting tasks are predictable. Whether it’s changing diapers or determining what time to come home after an outing.
Each issue needs to be discussed and agreement reached on how this task is to be carried out, who will carry it out and when. It will help if you write everything down in a notebook that you can use later.
This approach may seem tedious and pointless to someone who already knows what to do and thinks everyone should know. You’ll always have more hassle and more work to do.
But believe me, organizing the structure of task execution in advance is not a waste of time. The last thing you want is to start discussing how something should have been done, when it’s already been done badly or not at all.
2. Stick to the parenting schedule
“On-call parenting” is a concept that will come in very handy long after your children have outgrown swaddling and night-feeding. There are two reasons for this. The first is the importance of clarity and order, which we’ve already discussed.
The second is a little more subtle. If you want your partner to stay involved in child-rearing, he has to do it his way, even if you don’t think it’s right. Apart from basic safety issues, there is no right or wrong approach to parenting, only different opinions.
The reward for assuming the responsibilities of a “custodial parent” is total control. I mention this because, when it comes to dealing with a spouse’s irresponsible behavior, many people become overly responsible and even very rigid.
A clue that this may be exactly what’s going on is to ask the question, “Why would I do something when nothing I do is right?”.
If you ever hear this question, it’s a good idea to keep in mind that it’s a question of conditional circumstances, rather than who’s right and who’s not.
What to do when the emotional vampire is not only the father of your children, but also your ex?
Sarah did everything she could to save her marriage, but nothing worked.
By the end of the divorce proceedings, the situation had worsened. Sarah could even write a book about David’s irresponsibility when it comes to alimony, child visitation schedules, everything in fact.
She herself doesn’t know how many times he betrayed the children. And when he brought them home, it was almost impossible to restrain them, because he let them run wild. What touched her most was that the children, despite all his faults and broken promises, still thought he was the best dad in the world.
It wasn’t that she was jealous of him, but why should she have to do all the work of raising children when all the fun was hers?
Well, maybe she was jealous.
Emotional vampires are genuine fathers with whom children like to play and have fun. This usually hurts the ex-spouse more than the children. If you’re in such a situation, here are a few suggestions.
1. Choose your battles carefully
Remember, emotional vampires don’t like to be told what to do. The more conflicted you are about your children’s needs, the weaker the effect will be. No matter how right you are, with such a father, the number of battles you can win is very limited. Make sure they’re the most important ones.
Children are incredibly resilient. They can endure a lot of parental awkwardness and carelessness and still be pretty good. A good rule of thumb is to limit yourself to safety issues and situations where your child simply asks you to intervene. Even then, it’s best for the child to speak only for himself.
If you want to get an emotional vampire to back off, simply tell him he should spend more time with the kids.
2. Be aware of your own motivations
Before you confront the emotional vampire father with parenting issues, take a look into your heart. How much of your desire to do something is based on your children’s needs, and how much is motivated by your own anger and jealousy?
Emotional vampires, who are far more adept at deception than you’ll ever be, will know right away if you’re really hiding behind your children.
Worst of all, your children will know and feel that to remain loyal to you, they have to be against their father. Not to mention that this is certainly not a situation you want to encourage.
3. Communicate openly
No matter how difficult it is to talk to him, never send messages to an emotional vampire through children. The risks of misinterpretation and misunderstanding are enormous. By bypassing communication, you only create circumstances in which vampires simply thrive.
Rest assured
You need to know that somewhere inside you, children still understand and appreciate the love, hard work and stable organization of life that you provide. What their father doesn’t provide.
Unfortunately, they probably won’t say anything about it until they become parents themselves. If you want your children to realize sooner that you’re a good mother, encourage them and play with them more often. Even if you think there are more important and difficult things to do.
What to do when the emotional vampire is your father?
Emotional vampire dads are fun one day, but they’ll leave you stranded tomorrow. Whether you’re ten or sixty, it’s up to you to figure out how to deal with them.
David’s son Paul loves soccer. The reason is, at least to some extent, that his father loved it too. When Paul was younger, before his parents divorced, he and his father often trained together.
Now they don’t. And that’s a shame, because Paul has become a very good player. His father keeps promising him he’ll come to the game, but he always has an excuse not to show up.
Here are a few suggestions that may help Paul or anyone else whose emotional vampire father isn’t meeting his needs.
1. Understand that the problem is with him, not with you.
Responsibility must be transferred from the parent to the child. It’s not your job to make it easier for a parent to meet your needs and make it fun.
Your father isn’t with you because he’s missing something, not you. The more you try to win his attention and support, the more you’ll lose yourself. It’s very sad, but you don’t know what to do.
2. Say what you think
If you don’t like the way your father treats you, tell him how you feel and what you want. Don’t let anyone else speak for you. Your words will probably affect him more than anyone else’s, but that may not be the case.
Your chances are better if you tell him exactly what you’re thinking; don’t just throw out a hint and hope he gets it. Tell him how you feel and what you want, instead of accusing him of acting like a jerk.
3. Stay away from resentment
It’s easy to blame irresponsible parents for all the bad things that happen to you in life. However, the sooner you stop doing that, the more energy you’ll have to devote to yourself.
And you’ll be happier and more successful. If you follow this advice now, you’ll save yourself years of therapy later.
4. When he needs you, give yourself permission to say no
Sooner or later, your emotional vampire father will need you. He’ll be bored, short of money, lonely or too old to take care of himself. You then have the right to refuse. This is one of the hardest things you’ll have to do if you’re a responsible person.
The only thing harder than that is taking care of someone who has never had to take care of himself. Once you start doing it, he won’t let you stop. Or you won’t allow yourself to stop.
Help him if you feel you must, but realize that you have every right to say no. Remember in which direction responsibility must flow.
Fearless vampires as adult children Dylan’s father sighed as he pulled out a checkbook. He looked at his son with as much seriousness and dignity as he could muster, and said, “Okay, I’ll pay your rent for this month, but this is the last time.
