Mom and Dad, it’s not my fault you’re like this…
It’s not my fault you live like this…
This is how you communicate with each other.
It’s not my fault you don’t have the courage and determination to change something in your life.
It’s not my fault!
You refuse to be responsible, patient and understanding adults.
You choose this position yourself: you blame everyone around you.
You blame your family and your upbringing, you blame the system, you blame ME, but you never question yourselves.
The blame never falls on you!
You’re so stressed that you fall to your knees, you get tired and you get angry.
You chose this life, this path!
So, no… You weren’t doing badly because of me!
Throughout my childhood, you led me to believe that I was the reason for your arguments and your unhappiness.
So I always felt guilty.
I felt guilty that it was difficult for you, that you had problems and were always tired.
I felt guilty about your nervousness, your anger, your stress.
I suffered a lot, but I didn’t know how to help you stop being like that: nervous and aggressive.
I cried a lot…
Because of this, I was very angry with myself: I didn’t have the strength to make your life easier and happier.
I really wanted to be like you wanted me to be, so that you wouldn’t be ashamed in front of your neighbors, so that you could brag to your loved ones, but I didn’t always succeed.
That’s why I was even angrier with myself: no matter what I did, I couldn’t live up to your expectations.
Ever since I was a child, I took the blame for what happened to you.
But I’ve grown tired and no longer want to take responsibility for what’s bad for you, because it’s your choice, it’s your life, it’s your responsibility.
I refuse to carry your burden any longer.
If you don’t have the strength to do something, lower your ambitions, your appetites, find a compromise between your desires and your possibilities – that’s your task, not mine.
You don’t like life, you find it boring, difficult.
But it’s your job to make your life more interesting and easier, not at my expense, but for yourself.
You’re not satisfied with your relationships, so why don’t you improve them?
I don’t want to be a pawn in your game of power and manipulation because you enforce the conflict of loyalty in me.
I refuse to play that game!
You don’t like how and where I live, but it’s my life, not yours, and in my life I make my own decisions.
I’m not obliged to meet your expectations or achieve what you haven’t achieved.
Mom, Dad, I let you have your own independent life.
I let you live the way you choose to live.
For me, it’s time to live my life, my interests, to decide what I want!
I love you very much, but I will no longer let you dictate my life or play with my sanity.
This open letter was written by Sandra, whose parents are in a toxic relationship but refuse to divorce.
Throughout her childhood, she listened to their cries, their arguments and their tears.
They would do anything not to take responsibility for their mistakes and decisions, so they would constantly tell her that they were fighting because of her because she didn’t listen or because she got bad grades at school.
Of course, as a child, she couldn’t understand why they did this.
What’s more, whenever one of the parents was away, the other would say really horrible things about them.
This put Sandra in the middle of a loyalty conflict: she was always asked who she loved more.
She was even asked to take sides during conflicts.
Fortunately, once she grew up and left home, she understood what was going on.
She was able to get rid of the guilt, but that doesn’t mean these experiences didn’t traumatize her.
Even today, she’s in therapy because she can’t form strong bonds with friends or romantic partners.
What happens when parents transfer responsibility for their failures onto their child?
There can be nothing positive about shifting the blame onto little people who haven’t asked for it!
Many toxic parents see their children as an extension of their ego, so they have to be perfect.
But children are individuals in their own right, and parents are supposed to encourage them to achieve independence, freedom and self-confidence.
When parents are too busy with their own problems, but not with solving them, they make their children feel guilty.
And this can have harmful consequences for the child!
1. A heavy emotional burden
Children feel overwhelmed and burdened by their parents’ failures, so they internalize feelings of guilt, shame or inadequacy, believing that they are somehow responsible for their parents’ shortcomings.
2. Low self-esteem
Parents’ constant reproaches and criticism cause the child to develop a negative self-image and struggle with feelings of incompetence.
3. Parents impose unrealistic expectations
Parents push their children to succeed in areas where they themselves have failed, creating enormous pressure and stress.
4. Fear of failure
Children are afraid to take risks or pursue their own goals for fear of repeating their parents’ failures.
Eventually, they develop a perfectionist mindset, constantly seeking validation and avoiding any potential failure.
5. Tensions in the family relationship
Children often become resentful of their parents, leading to breakdowns in communication and emotional distance.
6. A personal development problem
The child’s aspirations, dreams and individuality are overshadowed by the parents’ expectations and unresolved problems.
How can you make your parents understand that they are toxic?
Children’s aspirations, dreams and individuality are overshadowed by their parents’ expectations and unresolved problems.
First, it’s imperative to understand that when you’re a child, there’s not much you can do.
Your only solution is to talk to another trusted adult and explain the situation.
You can then ask for their help in convincing your parents to seek therapy.
On the other hand, as an adult, you can communicate with your parents to restore the broken relationship between you.
And here are a few tips for working on your family relationship:
1. Choose the right time and place
Find a quiet, private place to have an open conversation without distractions or interruptions.
Perhaps avoid your childhood home if your parents still live there, as this could awaken traumas in you.
2. Express your feelings
Use “I” sentences to express how you feel about their behavior.
3. Give specific examples
Don’t speak in generalities, as this will give your parents the opportunity to continue blaming you or using gaslighting.
Give specific examples or behaviors that have had a negative impact on you.
4. Don’t let your anger control your dialogue
Be careful about the tone and language you use in conversation.
Avoid blaming or accusing, as this can aggravate tensions.
In short, don’t use the manipulative techniques your parents used when you were a child.
Instead, focus on expressing your emotions and observations in a calm, respectful way.
5. Offer other perspectives
Your parents may question what you say, but don’t let that discourage you.
Help them understand the potential consequences of their actions by offering other points of view.
6. Suggest therapy
It can be helpful to suggest resources such as self-help books, articles or even family therapy.
Professional intervention provides a neutral space for everyone to express their concerns and work towards a healthier dynamic.
7. Set limits
If the toxic behavior persists despite your efforts to communicate, you need to set limits to protect your well-being.