These days, there are more and more single-parent families. And generally speaking, it’s the dad who has left home.
Perhaps the partner wasn’t ready to be a father, or didn’t realize the mental, financial and personal burden involved.
So he got scared and took off.
Maybe the parents simply didn’t like each other anymore and the conflicts were too much, so they chose to separate for the sake of their child.
Or perhaps the couple’s relationship was abusive, so the mother chose to protect her child from abuse and the possible consequences.
There’s also the possibility that mom made a baby “on her own”. After all, these days, women are independent and strong. And they don’t need a partner to raise a child.
And let’s not forget the case where the parents are still together, but the father does the bare minimum when it comes to raising his child.
He’s physically present, but emotionally he’s not! He ignores his family…
Whatever the situation, there’s no denying that a father’s absence can have consequences for the child.
Especially when it’s a little boy.
In fact, even if the mother does her utmost to fill the void and offer her child all the love and attention she can, the paternal lack does exist.
As for boys, although they are generally more attached to their mother, the father’s role in their lives is just as important.
If he lacks his father’s attention, we’ll see it. How can we help? Here are a few clues to help you determine whether your son is lacking his father’s attention:
- aggressive behavior toward others
- overemphasized masculine interests and behavior (guns, muscles, trucks – dead!)
- seemingly “arrogant” behavior (growling, disinterest in style, I’m cool, it’s boring)
- derogatory behavior towards women, homosexuals or people he perceives to be homosexual, minorities, etc.
Aggressive behavior is a way for a boy to hide his insecurity.
Because he lacks the praise and respect of an older man, he pretends to be firm. The rule is: put someone down before they put you down.
If a boy has little contact with his father or other men, then he doesn’t really know how to be a man.
Why does your son act this way?
As I said above, he doesn’t have a male role model. So your son thinks that if he behaves well, if he’s gentle and kind, that makes him look like a girl.
He doesn’t understand that these behaviors are “normal”, even for men. In his mind, a father or a man is someone malevolent, absent and cold.
So he tries to imitate this image of masculinity, behaving brutally and coldly. He lacks respect and doesn’t know how to communicate with his friends or with you.
He’s very tough!
When you notice this kind of behavior in your son, know that it’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you’ve given him everything he needs.
He just needed a male figure to explain to him what it means to be a man. So, for his sake, you should consult a specialist.
A therapist could put him back on the right track. A therapist can teach him how to :
- resolve the conflict in a caring way
- speak easily to women and not behave in a sexist manner
- express respect or sorrow, or apologize, etc.
What can you do?
Talk, and talk some more…
First, it’s important to explain to your son why his father is absent.
Why did you decide to separate?
Does his father want to be in touch with him?
Then explain to him that not all men are like that, and that showing your emotions and being kind is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it’s a sign of greatness and masculinity.
It takes strength and courage to express how you feel. It takes mental strength to respond calmly to provocation or injustice.
You have to show your son that he has a right to be angry with his father and that he has a right to feel the lack of his father’s attention, even if he has chosen to leave.
But that there are healthier ways of expressing this. And that he should trust you to help him through this difficult time in his life. Generally speaking, it’s during adolescence that this lack is felt the most.
So be there for your child, and don’t respond to his anger with anger. Be patient and understanding!