Sometimes, neglect appears as a manipulative shower of attention and demands, to the detriment of the child.
The key to recognizing it is the total absence of boundaries in the relationship between mother and child.
When we imagine a mother who doesn’t love enough or who doesn’t meet the child’s emotional needs, we usually picture a cold, critical and perhaps even cruel person.
Popular culture has immortalized her as the evil stepmother from the fairy tale Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
There’s no doubt that emotional neglect sometimes looks like this, but it’s not its only face.
Neglect is a lack of consideration for one’s needs, moreover, it’s a kind of blindness to them.
And this blindness can manifest itself in over-intense mothering and excessive interference, not just in neglect, ignorance or criticism.
Boundaries are the key to any healthy relationship.
Understanding them is particularly important today, when the mother-daughter relationship is becoming increasingly common, in which a mother literally breathes down her daughter’s neck, trying to be her best friend.
The “best friend” mother is a dangerous model that allows mothers to avoid their maternal role, believing it to be a relationship of equals.
The truth is that no matter how close you are to your daughter, you are never equals.
A child as an extension of the mother’s personality – a particular form of emotional neglect
There are many types of motherhood that don’t respect a child’s boundaries, and each has a devastating effect on his or her development.
Mothers with a pronounced narcissism, or who are inherently controlling, see their children only as an extension of their personality, and demand that they behave according to the rules they have set.
In short, children must revolve around their mothers’ “sun” like planets, and learn from an early age to define themselves as their mothers see them.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are often estranged from their own thoughts and feelings, and as adults are drawn to lovers and friends who treat them like their mothers.
As a result, they continue to see love as something they have to earn.
Daughters of controlling mothers don’t fare much better.
They can’t see themselves clearly either, and find it hard to accept their feelings and thoughts because they lack a true sense of self.
They attribute their successes to coincidences and their failures to weaknesses in their character.
As a result, they lack self-confidence and are attracted to controlling types; the familiar model gives them a sense of security.
A loving mother teaches her child that she is a separate person, but that she can expect her understanding and support.
The existence of limits enables the child to experience herself as a whole person.
The daughter doesn’t have to “fit in” like a narcissistic or controlling mother; she’s free to discover herself.
Parentified child – another type of neglect
In this case, not only are emotional and physiological boundaries crossed, but traditional ones too, so that the child is burdened with responsibilities far beyond his or her age, and becomes a “parent” to his or her mother.
Worse still, these mothers may truly love their daughters, but they are simply not capable of behaving like adults.
So they can harm their daughters in many ways.
Daughters may feel angry and resentful that their childhood has been “taken away” from them, but they are usually torn between anger and compassion for their mother.
Sometimes this role change occurs more subtly, so it takes years for girls to understand that the mother’s behavior was neither normal nor healthy.
Children are often assigned such roles in large families where mothers are unable to care properly for so many children, so part of the burden of motherhood falls on the eldest daughter.
Parentified daughters often avoid intimate relationships in adulthood, as it’s difficult for them to separate someone’s reasonable demands from those that are excessive and captivating.
Symbiosis: a special form of neglect
A classic example of a symbiotic mother is one who materially exploits her daughter’s talents, looks and opportunities.
However, you don’t have to be a child prodigy to have a symbiotic mother.
The daughters of such mothers suffer emotional madness because their mothers love them, but in a way that doesn’t allow them to be independent.
Their love is intense and suffocating.
The daughters of such mothers consciously and unconsciously repress their desires and needs to the detriment of their mothers.
Feelings of guilt, anger and compassion alternate between them.
Sometimes they manage to salvage the relationship by fighting for their independence and setting strict limits, but not always, as they inevitably hurt their mothers.
At what point does close become too close?
Mothers and daughters need their own space, thoughts and emotions, and for this to be possible, there must be boundaries that respect both.
Sounds simple, but given the complexity of this relationship, it’s not always feasible.
Mother of three and a primary school teacher. I’ve always loved being around children and helping them, so I chose my path as a teacher. It is sometimes hectic with three children, but I am 100 percent into it and wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.