When parents have more than one child, satisfying each one can be a huge challenge.
Everyone’s screaming at the same time, and you don’t know who to take care of first?
It’s no wonder that many mothers and fathers reach their limits when it comes to this subject.
The fact is, there are times when it’s simply not possible to meet all needs at once.
After all, you too are a human being with limited capacities.
In many situations, not being able to respond directly to your children’s needs is an opportunity for them to learn frustration tolerance.
This social skill is very important for feeling at ease in kindergarten and school.
In this way, children learn self-restraint and patience for the benefit of a community.
To ensure that your children always feel seen, loved and valued, you can consider the following points when dealing with your children:
1. Which of your children’s needs is most important at this particular time?
For example, if your daughter is hurt and needs your closeness, and big brother asks for help with his homework, you can say to the boy: “I’m comforting your sister because she’s very sad. I’ll be more than happy to help you once she’s calmed down.”
2. Understanding and appreciating the “waiting” brother
Keep in mind the requested needs of the child who had to back out, so he doesn’t have to ask again.
This is how you give your child the feeling that you’ve seen and heard him, and that his needs are being taken seriously.
For example, say: “Now your sister has calmed down. She was so scared and I’m glad I can be there for you now. Thank you for waiting so patiently.”
Appreciation is a human need, and it’s extremely important when a child has successfully waited for your attention.
Depending on his age, you can say:
- “I’m so relieved you waited. It’s been a huge support to me. Thank you for being so patient.”
- “I can see you’re sad. When I’m done with X, we’ll do XY.”
- “Phew, you must have been waiting a long time. I’m sure it wasn’t that easy for you, was it?”
3. Love and care have many expressions
Find out what kind of love and attention each child needs.
Depending on their temperament and age, siblings need different forms of love.
Look at your children individually and ask yourself if the following types of love are regular and match your children’s needs.
American relationship consultant Gary Chapman distinguishes 5 love languages in a partnership, which in my opinion can be applied very well to siblings:
3.1 Physical contact
Babies, toddlers and schoolchildren in particular satisfy their need for love and attention with physical attention, depending on their temperament.
If parents themselves have experienced little physical closeness in their family of origin, this is often unconsciously transferred to their own children.
Some children barely ask for this contact, even though they’re always in urgent need of it.
So observe your children carefully and look for moments in everyday life that allow for physical closeness.
This includes petting and cuddling.
3.2 Help and support
Some siblings satisfy their need for affection by frequently asking for help.
At the same time, of course, it’s important to help children become independent and trusting.
Therefore, try to strike a balance between the attention you receive from your help and the promotion of independence.
For example, if a child loves it when you bake bread for him when he could do it himself, you can do so from time to time as a sign of concern, whatever your child’s age.
3.3 Appreciation and recognition
Appreciation in everyday family life is often overlooked.
It’s important for children to be seen.
Even if they contribute to a peaceful atmosphere in the family, you encourage your children with the following or similar words:
“I’m glad you helped your little brother. That was a big help.”
“I’m so amazed at how much fun you two are having.”
“I’m very happy that you resolved the dispute so peacefully today.”
3.4 Time alone with parents
There are times when children especially need time alone with their parents.
It gives them all the attention they need in everyday life.
Depending on their temperament and stage of development, children need more or less time.
Older siblings who often hold back, or who have just had a sibling, can benefit enormously.
3.5 Little touches
Little messages of love in their jacket pocket, a chocolate heart in their lunch box, their favorite meal or reading their favorite story are all examples of how you can give your children your love and attention.
Find little “love rituals” with your children that let them know again and again how much you love them and how individual and special each relationship with your different children is.
4. Children’s developmental spurts change their behavior and needs
Ask yourself regularly how needs change as a result of developmental spurts.
Many conflicts arise because children want to be more independent than we think.
They then satisfy their need for autonomy with ostentatious behavior.
It’s not easy for parents to admit that their little ones need less and less.
This sometimes leads to taking too much from the little ones, making them feel limited.
At the same time, siblings sometimes feel that they are not seen enough, and demand it through nagging, fighting or other behaviors.
So it’s a great challenge to keep asking how each child’s needs evolve as they grow up.
5. Structure and parenting are important for all siblings
Parents feel pressured by advice in the media telling them what should be right.
From my perspective, this includes setting limits for:
- Going to bed independently
- Consciously using social networks
- Eating sweets
Parents talk about a guilty conscience when they show their child a clear limit.
A child who doesn’t want to go to bed at night, even though he’s very tired, needs structure and guidance from his parents to be able to satisfy his need for sleep.
Similarly, it’s strongly recommended to keep a teenager’s cell phone out of his or her room.
It’s also difficult for children to regulate their sugar intake themselves.
At such times, parents act as a protective force and set the rules for living together.
These focus on needs.
As long as all family members can feel at ease, you do the right thing as mom or dad.
All the agreements that contribute to your peaceful coexistence are valuable to your children.
Incidentally, this also includes agreements that allow you to satisfy your needs for rest, relaxation, harmony and self-determination.