Many parents who are just discovering the principles of positive discipline often confuse it with one of two things: lack of discipline or submission to the child.
Positive discipline is never a lack of discipline – the name itself indicates that it’s a method of discipline, but without the negative approach of either yelling at or punishing the child.
But positive parenting is not an easy parenting method.
It requires effort and work on oneself as a person.
For this reason, many parents fail with this approach.
And these three mistakes are the main reasons.
1. Rushing
Give yourself and your child time to adapt!
Changes in behavior, changes in ways of acting and changes in routines affect everyone involved.
Each change takes some time to become a fixed pattern of behavior and a kind of habit.
What’s more, usually after a change is introduced, there is initially chaos in reaction.
What happens to us adults at this stage is that we tend to give up.
The first obstacle leads us to believe that the method isn’t working, and that it’s easier for us to revert to already ingrained behaviors and well-established teaching methods.
Before giving up, it’s a good idea to think about what we really want, and to realize that it takes time to reach a calm stage.
In addition to the above, it’s good to ask ourselves whether we trust new methods and what our intention was when we started researching, learning and applying new methods.
Apart from the fact that we don’t give ourselves enough time to adapt and adopt new patterns, it’s worth thinking about how many of these same opportunities we give children.
Children react to any change in behavior.
Every child has his or her own reactions.
Children are inclined to search, to study, to question, and they need time to get used to it, to learn something new, and most importantly – to assimilate it into their existing and secure system already established.
This can be misleading and, at the start of applying new methods, lead us to think that children react badly to new methods and don’t accept them, i.e. that they themselves are not functional.
2. You think you’re your child’s boss
In the role of adults, we often have to show that we are responsible and that we set the rules and determine certain things in education.
We’ve been brought up to believe that parents are responsible and everything they say has to be that way, without exception.
Knowing that we ourselves don’t want to raise children in this way, it’s as if we unconsciously want to take our turn in the role of the principals.
Remembering how we were raised and how our parents behaved just a few decades ago, and ourselves, it’s incredible and difficult for us to accept that today’s children really are different.
If we are also in the role of an adult within the institution (kindergarten, school), then our role as director is more pronounced.
Managing a group of children can be quite difficult, although in theory we know all the sustainable, quality methods for building a quality, connecting relationship with children.
Secondly, we often resort to methods that give children the message that we are in charge and that we need to be listened to.
In these situations, we more often use so-called induced consequences such as rewards and punishments.
A power struggle with a child is also a frequent situation.
Whether we like it or not, a child’s behavior affects our behavior and vice versa.
If we need to be in charge or superior, then more often than not we only satisfy this need of ours and unconsciously challenge the child to fight with us.
The need for superiority over children is not present at a conscious level for everyone.
It’s often not even an adult’s main, conscious intention or goal.
It’s often unconscious, and it’s good that positive discipline gives us the tools and resources with which we can become aware of it and act or change our behaviors that lead to it.
It’s important to emphasize and highlight the frequency with which adults modify their behavior and adjust their methods of action because they expect the child to change and start respecting them more.
3. You think a hug is a reward for good behavior
A hug is a technique, a method, a way, a powerful action towards a child.
Everyone needs a hug.
When it comes to undesirable behavior, especially in kindergartens and schools, it’s almost unimaginable for some adults to hug a child after they’ve shown undesirable behavior.
Not because they don’t hug children, comfort them or accept the child, on the contrary.
It’s hard to believe that something as powerful and soothing as a hug isn’t a reward for that child’s behavior.
This is where adults most often act out of fear that these unwanted behaviors will manifest themselves on a larger scale, as they will put the child in a position to want as many hugs as possible.
What’s more, when it comes to a group of children, there’s also the fear that other children will associate it with rewarding certain undesirable behaviors.
Every child who displays certain undesirable behaviors has a message for us adults.
Children choose the most powerful tools that will lead them most quickly to the desired result, and therein lies their ability to cope.
After that, we usually give them an even stronger message that they don’t belong – with punishment, rooting, screaming, shame, isolation, making them apologize….
And what they need is, among other things, a hug as a sign of support and belonging.
This hug does not lead to an increased display of undesirable behavior.
Unwanted behavior prompts us to act, and we act in moments when unwanted behavior is absent.
The more clearly and strongly we express to the child that he belongs, and the more he begins to feel that – the less undesirable behavior will occur, and in the end, it won’t even exist.
A hug as support for a child is indispensable, at the right time and with sincere intentions.