I’m the father of two children.
And here’s my experience as a mom for two days.
Get your handkerchiefs ready, because it’s to cry with laughter and sadness.
In fact, if I hadn’t lived it, I wouldn’t believe it!
A few weeks ago, my wife left for a two-day seminar.
Unfortunately, her mom wasn’t available to take on the role of nanny.
And frankly, I didn’t trust my children’s grandfather to look after them.
So I took two days off and devoted myself to the kids.
To my little angels!
Marine, Daddy’s darling, is seven years old and has started elementary school.
Loïc will soon be 4 and is still full of energy.
My wife looks after them, nonchalantly and skilfully (although there are days when she says she regrets becoming a mother).
When this feeling comes over her, she quickly pulls herself together.
She wipes her tears and kisses Marine and Loïc on the forehead!
I’ve always wondered why women whine and complain all day long:
- Look at what your room looks like.
- Why didn’t you eat the beans?
- Marine studies, acquires work habits!
- I’m going crazy!
- I just buy things for you all day long (yes, she always puts me in the same basket with the kids).
- My back hurts, my legs hurt, my stomach hurts…
- I’m tired, sleepy…
As if it were some kind of wisdom!
As if you needed a diploma to be a qualified and skilful mother, wife and housewife!
Then my wife left…
It’s morning, Marine wakes me up at five.
She tells me that Loïc has pooped in her bed.
I say, “Why didn’t he wake me up and take him to the bathroom?
Daddy, he tried!
But you didn’t want to wake up.
You shouted something, mmm, get off me….
And then he woke me up, but it was already late.
He pooped!
That’s what Marine said, rubbing her sleepy eyes.
Okay, well, I’ll get some clean underwear and pajamas, so you just lie back.
We still have time before school.
But she kindly pointed out that changing the sheets stinks!
Let’s go to the living room, I’ll change them tomorrow.
And make sure you close the bedroom door so the smell doesn’t wake us up.
Uh, it pinches the eyes.
Breakfast: it’s agony
I know that Loïc is allergic to peanuts and that’s all.
I didn’t want more information.
But I couldn’t even imagine that a simple breakfast could become so complicated.
Loïc wants eggs, while Marine wants cereal.
It took me a long time to find out where the box was!
I walked Marine to school, washed the dishes, changed the sheets, ordered breakfast from a nearby restaurant.
And again, I felt a slight form of fatigue.
Marine is back from school and wants me to help her with her math homework.
Okay, addition, subtraction, I’ve got to prove that I know what I’m talking about.
However, I have something to check.
Kids today don’t add like they used to.
They use parentheses, subtract tens of units and put the excess back in parentheses.
Honey, you should wait for Mom.
She’s the one with the math.
Anyway, you can’t get a bad grade in first grade, can you?
Loïc is in the playground.
He says he’s bored at home.
I can’t move, I lie on the sofa for a while, my eyes are heavy, I’m crying already…
And Loïc shouts like a madman: “Daddy, daddy… let’s go to the park.”
I give him some paper and Marine’s markers to draw with.
I ask him to calm down and tell Marine to look after him while I “rest my eyes”.
After a while, their laughter wakes me up.
They tell me to go to the mirror.
Loïc has used my face as a coloring book.
I laugh with them…
Will I survive this?
Dinner arrives soon.
I take some meatballs out of the freezer that my wife left behind.
I go and get some bread with Loïc.
In addition to bread, I buy other stupid things that my son has pointed out.
I didn’t have the courage to say “no”.
In fact, I was afraid of a tantrum from him.
It’s not because I grew up poor, but almost…
I don’t want my children to lack anything.
Three chocolate eggs, cakes, milk, a box of chocolate bananas…
Let the children enjoy themselves.
I’m not a fan of meatballs anyway!
Bath time!
They don’t really need a bath every night, I tell myself.
Their skin will thin out.
I’ve already washed Loïc this morning (after he had a big bowel movement in bed), let’s at least let Marine brush his teeth and go have the sweetest dreams.
They want me to tell them a story.
Come on, I start with Little Red Riding Hood, Marine warns me and says that Loïc is afraid of the wolf and doesn’t like this fairy tale.
He wants me to tell him the story of the brave tailor.
Who’s the good tailor?
You’re joking.
I know Little Red Riding Hood, Cinderella and the one about the dwarfs – a little in spite of myself.
What if I told you about my military years?
They’re not interested at all.
I give them a tablet and let them find what interests them – the Internet is full of such nonsense, at least.
Somehow, I’ve done it!
It was a rude awakening, but I survived.
The same thing awaits me tomorrow…
I couldn’t wait for the day I’d see her at the door – the love of my life, my wife, my queen.
I never loved her more than when she finally came back.
As soon as she saw me, she burst out laughing and only then kissed me.
You smell like garbage in the sun
You look like an atom bomb went off in the house.
And you’ve got felt on your face.
I understand – it’s not easy for you moms!
I’m defeated!
I was a mom for about 36 hours and I didn’t survive.
However, I’ll stick to what I do best.
I admit it’s not easy and I have no idea how my wife handles it.
I’ll be there to intervene, as soon as things start to creak.
But for pity’s sake, I don’t ever want to be alone with them again!
Do you understand me now?
She says with a smile.
“Yes, my love, I understand you,” I replied quietly.
Then I hurried off to bed, which smelled of the new linen I’d changed!
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