How do you communicate with your 9- to 13-year-old son?

Bad behavior.

Frequent mood swings.

A vain desire for autonomy.

Increasing connection with friends and less and less with parents.

Sound familiar?

If you have a son between the ages of 9 and 13, chances are it describes him pretty well. And surely one of the challenges you’re currently facing is how to talk to your child who’s no longer a little boy, but isn’t a teenager either.

For better communication with your son during this sensitive and critical period of his childhood, here are a few tips to follow:

1. Make conversation a regular habit

When things are going well between you and your son, don’t relax too much. A good conversation isn’t enough. That’s why you’re always looking for new opportunities.

Be available every time your child starts a conversation. The more you talk to your son, the better your conversations will be, thanks to practice and experience.

2. Start the conversation with a subject he’s passionate about

Ask your son questions about activities that interest him. For example, if he loves playing the piano, ask him:

How can you learn the notes so quickly?

This is just a general example, but the point is that even if you’re not personally fascinated by the subject your child loves, talk about it and use it to connect with the child.

3. Be careful to avoid pitfalls

Some situations are a total failure when it comes to starting a conversation with your pre-teen. If he’s too tired or upset about something (for example, an argument with a brother or his team losing an important game), it’s probably not the best time to start a conversation.

You know your child best, and if you see that he’s definitely not interested in talking to you, wait for a better opportunity.

Never force anything!

4. It’s important to choose the right moment to have a serious conversation

It’s very likely that you’ll “almost never” hear the words:

Mom, I’d really like to talk to you seriously and constructively.

Your pre-teen will never say that!

That’s why you need to find the right time to talk. Yes, you need to avoid the child’s bad mood for conversation, but also be ready to seize any open opportunity to start the discussion.

5. Conversation is a time for you to learn

Let your son be the teacher and be his student! Talk to your son about what he’s learning and what you don’t know, or at least don’t remember.

Believe me, there are many such topics, just open one of his books on any subject! The idea is that if you allow your child to be an expert and an “authority” in a field, you’re inviting them to open up and share with you things they may not even talk about.

Here, I’ve never heard of the Mayan Empire… What’s that all about?

6. Plan a joint activity

People often connect better when they’re outside their comfort zone. So go bowling or another sport together, or embrace a project together that’s new to both of you and where you’ll have to work a little harder.

Don’t let it be something difficult that will cause frustration, but try to find something where you’ll have a good time or overcome a challenge together.

This will create a connection that will connect you more and push the child to talk.

7. Invite his friends to dinner

You may discover a new side to your son when you see him in the company of his friends. And maybe he’ll discover a new side of you too.

What’s more, it’s very likely that his friends will talk about certain characteristics and experiences of your child that you don’t know about. Only this will give you topics for future conversations.

8. Ask open-ended questions to get more than NO and YES.

Don’t give your preteen an easy out by asking a question like:

Did you have fun at your friend’s house?

Avoid YES-NO questions and be creative! For example, ask:

What did you do at your friend’s house?

What was the best part of the evening?

You simply get more if your questions are open-ended.

9. Don’t exaggerate or judge

When your son talks to you openly, avoid judging him immediately. If you disagree with something he says, try to offer a neutral response first.

Let him know you’re listening and thinking about his words and thoughts. And then later, when the situation is a bit over, if you need to mention that you disagree with him, say something like:

Hey, do you remember what you said to me? I wanted to tell you something about that.

Salting the spirit is a rare age approach with a preteen (or anyone).

10. Don’t make your son feel guilty

Even if your son has hurt you with something he’s said, don’t cry or whine. If you do, you’ll make him feel guilty.

There’s nothing wrong with telling him in words that you disagree with him, but do it in a way that doesn’t provoke withdrawal and further concealment of feelings in the future.

Whenever possible, discuss important things with your son when you’re emotionally calm and can communicate peacefully, without shouting, condemning and blaming.