In all relationships, communication is key.
Your relationship with your children is no exception.
Even if your children are small, there are playful ways of questioning them to create a stronger emotional bond.
I often see parents frustrated because they can’t communicate with their children.
Either the children are very young and their answers have no head or tail, or the children are withdrawn and respond with a simple “nothing”.
As a mother of three, I can assure you that I’ve had these same experiences.
I’ve felt the same disappointments and frustrations.
But it all comes from a false perspective.
After all, you can’t expect a child to respond in the same way as an adult.
What project did you work on today?
Imagine if a child answered: “Today, I joined my classmates Jeremy and Pauline in working on the Universe. Together, we created a black space, filled with stars to guide all pilgrims this Christmas.
By the way, you can’t expect a child to answer a vague question with a concrete answer either.
What did you do today?
Imagine your child telling you that he worked on a complex project with his kindergarten friends to make our workroom more pleasant and productive.
Doesn’t sound natural, does it?
Well, when you’re frustrated by your kids’ answers, remember this!
Those answers would be ridiculous.
So, you need to ask questions that directly affect your child.
And your questions should be more or less closed.
Anything vague, intangible or creative is too complex for them.
Moreover, you should avoid questions that allow your child to get away with simply saying “yes” or “no”.
Questions that encourage conversation
If you want to start a conversation with your child, you first need to be patient.
Secondly, you need to find the right moment.
For example, some children prefer to talk while they’re playing or while you’re cooking dinner together.
Others prefer to talk quietly, once they’ve calmed down.
This could be in the evening before bedtime, or during a break in the day.
Sit quietly with your child and look into his or her eyes.
Show compassion and empathy.
Here are some ideas for questions you can ask your child…
To stimulate your child’s imagination
The aim of these questions is to appeal to your child’s creativity.
- If you were invisible, what would you like to do?
- What did you dream about last night?
- Yesterday, I heard you screaming in your sleep. Did you have a nightmare? What was it about?
- If you didn’t have to go to school, what would you like to do?
- How do you imagine adult life?
- What superhero would you like to be? Why or why not?
- Where would you like to live?
- What would your dream home look like?
- Who would you like to spend a whole day with?
- What movie character would you like to be?
- Is there anything you’d like to do, but don’t dare?
To get to know him better
With these questions, you want your child to talk about his or her feelings about everyday life.
- What’s most important to you: seeing, hearing, touching or smelling?
- What’s your favorite toy?
- What can’t you live without?
- Who’s your best friend?
- What qualities do you think a friend should have?
- What talent would you like to have?
- Is there anything you’d like to learn?
- When was the last time you found something really difficult?
- What could you teach me?
- What would you rather do: go to school, go for a walk, play or talk to Mom?
- Are you jealous of someone?
- What really scares you?
- Are you ashamed of something you’ve done?
- What do you find really funny?
- What’s your favorite movie?
- What do you hate doing?
Improving family relationships
With these questions, you want to pinpoint your child’s problems and possibly the mistakes you’re making as a parent.
- Do you think we spend enough time together?
- What activity would you like us to do together?
- What don’t you like about our family?
- Would you like to have a brother or sister?
- Do you feel safe with us?
- What would you like to do?
- What do you like to do with Dad?
- What do you like to do with Mom?
- What gift would you really like?
- What’s your favorite time of day?
- What can we change to make you happier?
- Are you ever sad because of Mommy or Daddy?
Once your child has given you his or her answer, you can bounce back.
Don’t ask new questions!
Simply start the conversation using age-appropriate words.
Your child will open up on his own, realizing that you’re genuinely listening and interested in what he has to say.
As soon as your child understands that his opinion counts, he becomes more open and sincere.
Let’s take an example:
Mom: What bothers you about our family?
Child: You don’t play with me because you spend all your time on the phone.
Mom: Oh, I know what you mean. But Mommy has to explain something to you. Mommy and Daddy don’t play on the phone. That’s our job. That’s why we use it so much. But you’re right… we don’t play with you enough! And I understand why that makes you sad. How about we set aside an hour a day where the three of us sit down and do a puzzle or play with board games?
Child: I’d love that!
With this kind of reaction, you’re not judging the child.
Nor are you scolding him for pointing out one of your faults.
You show empathy and understanding, and suggest a solution to make the child feel better.
Whatever the question, you must be prepared to have your feelings hurt.
Children don’t really have a filter for weighing their words.
But if you want a good relationship with your child, having an open and honest discussion is essential!