Children with an indomitable character can be difficult to manage. You need a lot more energy to bring them up, because you have to give them more time and attention.
Inevitably, it’s exhausting! And frankly, it can sometimes feel like it’s too much for you. That you can’t handle it, and that your child is dominating your home. He does what he wants, when he wants.
And there’s nothing you can do to make him change or follow your rules. But there are a few techniques you can use to survive raising a child with an untamable temper.
1. Try to see things from the child’s point of view
For example, your child may be terribly angry that you promised to wash his Spiderman costume, but forgot. So he’ll show this anger in some way – by crying, rebelling, screaming.
And to you, he’s now rude and stubborn. But from his point of view, he’s rightly angry and you’re a hypocrite. But why? Well, he’s not allowed to break the promises he makes to you, but you’re allowed to break yours.
And how do you solve the problem? Well, exactly as you’d expect someone to treat you when they break a promise they’ve made to you – apologize and say you’ll do your best not to let it happen again.
Then suggest washing the suit together. And always keep this in mind – the way you want your child to treat you is the way you treat him.
2. More than anything else in the world, indomitable kids want dominance
Beat them at their own game by allowing them to take control of as many activities as possible. Don’t yell at them with questions like:
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Did you pick up your toys?
Instead, try to give them a chance to figure out for themselves what they should be doing. Ask: “What should you do before you go to bed? If they look at you blankly, help them remember: “Every night, you have to take a shower, put on your pyjamas, brush your teeth and put your toys away. I saw you pick up the toys, take a shower and put on your pajamas. So what’s left for you to do?”
Children who have a choice, or at least the feeling that you’re not pressuring them to do something, will have less need to oppose you. What’s more, they’ll learn sooner to take responsibility for their own actions.
3. Listen to your child
You, as an adult, probably assume that it’s implicit that you’re always right about a child. But imagine, your temperamental child thinks the same thing about himself!
When your child opposes you and doesn’t want to listen, then you’re in a position where you have to listen to him. If he doesn’t want to take a bath, ask him to tell you why.
Sure, it may be a meaningless reason, but from your child’s point of view, it’s a very real danger. Children have a different view of the world and different fears that you’ll never know if you try to force things.
4. Give your child respect and empathy
Most temperamental children struggle to earn the respect of adults. They may not know it very well, but they know they’re impatient. If you show them respect, they won’t feel the need to fight to earn it.
And, like adults, it helps them a lot if they feel you understand them. If they want to do something inappropriate and from their point of view, it looks fine – say they wear the Batman costume to go shopping.
Don’t forbid them that by saying it’s not done. Say, for example:
“I know how much you love that costume and how much you want to wear it. But when we go to the store, we have to dress appropriately. I know how much you’ll miss it, so I have an idea. Let’s take it with us and you can bring it home.”
And don’t think this is a lenient education. It’s just an upbringing with the respect your child certainly deserves. Children aren’t rude, they just see the world from a different angle and when they’re upset, they can’t say so.
5. Let your child have control over his or her own body
“I see you don’t want to wear a jacket today. I’ll wear mine, as it’s very cold outside. Of course, it’s your body and you decide, as long as you’re safe and healthy.
But I’m afraid that when we go out, you’ll want a jacket too, but you won’t have it with you. So, do you want me to put one in a backpack in case you change your mind?”
He won’t catch pneumonia unless you cause it yourself by rejoicing when he asks for a jacket. When your child goes outside and sees for himself how cold it is, he’ll immediately ask for a jacket.
It’s hard for children to imagine that it’s cold outside, when it’s so warm in the apartment, and of course they’ll resist overheating. A temperamental child is convinced that he’s always right, and it’s hard to bear if that turns out not to be the case.
You don’t have to ruin his self-confidence, just treat the subsequent decision to wear the jacket as exclusively his, without the famous “I told you so” line.
6. Remember that temperamental children learn from experience.
In practice, this means they’ll want to make sure the hob is hot, not just be warned. Except in situations like this, where they could be seriously injured, it’s very important that you allow them to learn from experience, rather than trying to control them.
And yes, if you have a temperamental child, you can expect them to constantly try to push the boundaries of what they’re allowed to do. Temperamental children are just that – not rude or ignorant, but temperamental.
The sooner you understand this, the less nervous you’ll be and the easier it will be to deal with situations where the child tests the limits set.
7. To avoid arguments, introduce clear rules and routines
“Our rule is always to do homework before watching cartoons, remember?”
“What homework do you have?”
“We agreed that the lights would go out at 8pm. If you hurry, we can read a story!”
Focus your child on one activity, make him feel involved in decisions about how he’s going to spend his day, and you’ll definitely have less need to shout.
8. Give your indomitable child a choice
If you try to give him orders, he’ll get angry! But if you offer him a choice, he’ll feel in control of the situation and have his destiny in his own hands. Of course, you should only offer him choices that suit you, and that don’t mean any withdrawal or concessions on your part.
If, for example, you have to go somewhere and the child is really absorbed in the game, you can say:
“Would you rather we went to the store right now or in fifteen minutes?”
“Okay, fifteen minutes, but really fifteen minutes. But since it may be difficult for you to leave your toys behind, how can I help? Do you want to take a car with you?”
9. Discipline your child through conversation, not punishment
You probably already knew this, but didn’t think about it – children won’t learn anything if you argue with them. Absolutely nothing. Just like adults, when an argument is at its most intense, the adrenalin rises and the learning center shuts down.
Keep in mind that every child desperately wants to please their parent, to make them proud. The more you argue and undermine their independence, the more you destroy that desire. If the child is upset, help them express their anger, fear, disappointment or other negative feelings.
Only then will this feeling disappear, and the child will be ready to listen to you when you remind him that everyone in your home is trying to talk to each other in a pleasant way.
Of course, this is only possible if you follow this example yourself, because children don’t listen to what you say, but observe what you do.
10. Don’t challenge him to oppose you
Force will always provoke resistance – whatever the age. If you adopt a violent, authoritarian attitude, it will be the quickest way to provoke rebellion and resistance from a temperamental child.
When you feel you’ve already deepened the discussion, stop, take a deep breath and remember that if you win the argument with the child, you’ll lose something more important – the connection.
Whenever possible, let the child make the decision for himself. When this isn’t possible, give him an alternative, an option, the right to take at least part of the decision, anything that will give him a sense of autonomy.