The Fact That I Don’t Breastfeed My Baby Is Nobody’s Business…

When you become a parent, it’s like that big Sauron eye from Lord of the Rings suddenly turns to you and starts watching and following you.

Everything you do is always being watched and evaluated.

Because they feel constantly judged, mothers often use a defensive strategy out of necessity – judge other mothers too.

Attack is the best defense, after all!

And so instead of mutual support, we have constant tension and fights between mothers over how to deliver, how to feed the child, when to introduce solid foods, whether to let the baby cry himself to sleep, etc.

Some mothers are criticized as selfish, others as over-sacrificing.

In fact, we can name four characteristics of these discussions:

Polarization

Mothers are divided into two camps (breastfeeding/formula, C-section/natural childbirth, sleeping with the baby/teaching the baby to fall asleep on his own).

Blind spots

Each camp is convinced that moms who think/do as they do are always criticized and judged.

For example, mothers who want to give birth at home think that everyone is constantly criticizing their choice, and mothers who choose C-section think that they are the ones who suffer the most criticism.

Demanding justification

People feel they have a right to an explanation from the mother for her decisions.

If you don’t have a good excuse, then you’re not a good mother.

For example, “It’s okay not to breastfeed if you have a medical reason. If you don’t want to, then you’re just lazy.

We often see this kind of thinking in professional literature, medical advice and the mainstream media.

Defensive attack

If you attack me, I’ll attack you.

When a mother is criticized for choosing a C-section, she may retaliate by pointing out the risks of a home birth.

What’s wrong with such conversations?

To begin with, reasons and duties get mixed up.

Duty is when you have a moral obligation to do something.

If you fail in your duty, people have the right to demand an explanation and to blame you, if the explanation isn’t good.

For example, the teacher has a duty to report to class, or to provide a valid excuse.

However, the fact that breastfeeding is good for the baby is a reason for mothers to breastfeed, but it doesn’t imply their duty to breastfeed.

It’s also fine to raise money for research into a cure for cancer, but that doesn’t mean we have a duty to do so and should feel guilty if we don’t.

It’s also good to exercise regularly, to eat healthily, but that’s not our duty either, so others don’t have the right to ask us why we don’t.

So, mothers can have their reasons for not breastfeeding that they don’t have to explain.

The same goes for the questions:

Why do you choose to sleep with your baby?

Why did you give birth by Caesarean section?

As a society, we tend to regard anything that is good for the baby as the mother’s duty.

Another mistake is that we think there’s only one right way to raise a child.

However, circumstances can be very different and require different approaches.

Not all mothers have to think and feel the same way.

They may have different values, but still be good mothers.

We don’t expect fathers to do everything in the same way.

But we accept that they have their reasons, not duties.

Another reason why mothers turn against each other is the attitude towards the female body and breastfeeding in public.

Since female breasts are considered sexual, breastfeeding mothers have to justify breastfeeding.

This is particularly difficult in public.

So they take a stand: it’s a mother’s duty!

Defending themselves – in fact – they condemn mothers who don’t breastfeed.

It’s like teaching a child to fall asleep on its own.

Mothers who object may, for example, find it difficult to return to work.

To justify their situation, they may insist that it’s the only right way, and that no good parent would teach their child to simply fall asleep.

Conclusion

Once we recognize how wrong we’re thinking when we judge a mother’s decision, we can stop and try to be more compassionate.

Unfortunately, misconceptions about motherhood are deeply rooted in society.

And not just in the attitudes of those around mothers – but also in themselves.

So many mothers think it’s selfish not to invest the last atom of strength and willpower in anything that might have the slightest benefit for the child.

Guilt then gnaws at them!