What parent can say they’ve never been lectured?
Seriously, from the moment you tell your family and friends that you’re going to have a baby, everyone wants a piece of the action.
Indeed, people think they have the miracle recipe for raising children.
Well, yes…
They don’t make any mistakes, and they want to help you follow in their footsteps.
In short, they want you to become perfect parents like them!
What nonsense!
Perfect parents don’t exist!
And nobody has the right to give you advice if you haven’t asked for it.
Today, I’m going to give you a list of stupid advice I’ve received as a mom.
I can guarantee you that in raising my three children, I’ve never followed this advice because I don’t even understand who can follow such nonsense.
And I can guarantee you one thing: you’ve heard them too!
Stupid tip no. 1: distract the child to calm him down
Desired goal: avoid negative emotions
Result: by distracting your child, you’ll suppress his negative emotions.
Even if your child seems to have calmed down, those negative emotions are still there.
You can’t just disappear and walk away anyway.
It’s like being hungry.
You can distract yourself from it for a moment, but the hunger remains.
Gradually, the feeling becomes so great that it’s uncontrollable.
When you’re really hungry, you run to the fridge and uncontrollably gobble down everything you can get your hands on.
It’s the same with children: they may seem calm, but their emotions will erupt when you least expect it.
If feelings aren’t dealt with, there’s a risk of uncontrollable emotional outbursts (seemingly for no reason).
Feelings are to be taken seriously; they are our innate reflexes that signal to us that something is not quite right.
Talk to your child about it, and help him or her find strategies for dealing with sadness, anger or fear.
Tell your child what you did as a child in a similar situation.
You can also use books on feelings to expand your child’s repertoire of strategies.
Even if your child’s reaction is unreasonably important to you, to your child it’s a real, experienced level of feeling.
Stupid tip no. 2: Bite a child when he bites
Intended purpose: to show the child that biting causes pain.
Result achieved: we show the child that biting is good because we bite too.
Biting can be used specifically to hurt someone.
So it’s time to get even!
Hmm…
You should pay much more attention to the child’s motives for biting.
Most of the time, there are only two reasons.
The first is that your child is not yet good enough to express himself verbally.
The second is that he’s trying to defend himself.
Depending on your child’s level of language development, you can use speech therapy, expand your child’s vocabulary through conversations and books, discuss difficult situations.
Stupid tip no. 3: Force your child to share
Desired goal: get your child to be generous
Result: just the opposite!
The more you insist, the more your child will cling to objects that belong to him or her.
Basically, you share when you have an abundance of something, so you don’t have to suffer any sharing restrictions.
Another reason to share is to make someone happy.
Both reasons require a certain emotional maturity.
From a purely developmental point of view, this maturity can only be expected from the age of 3.
There’s no point in explaining to a child under three that he or she must share.
When children are forced to share at this age, they unconsciously learn that resources are scarce and that they have to fight for their possessions.
These two attitudes are more of an obstacle to a happy and successful life.
Children as young as 3 can only learn to share if they’ve already experienced what it really means to own.
If your child has never owned anything, he or she may not understand what it means to share.
So make sure your child has something to call his own (teddy bear, comforter, favorite book).
Only your child can determine whether or not someone else can have the object in question.
Only when this prerequisite is met can you show your child how sharing works.
Stupid tip no. 4: Minimize children’s problems
Desired aim: to help your child meet challenges more easily.
Result: your child doesn’t feel taken seriously and learns to suppress his emotions and feelings over the long term.
Think about it: do you cry when you scratch yourself?
No !
Why not?
Because, over time, you’ve repeatedly found that a scratch is not serious and heals quickly.
You can’t give this experience to your child.
You can share your experience with your child, but in the end, he won’t believe you until he’s experienced it himself.
Let your child do as much as possible for himself.
Through small, regular challenges that your child solves on his own (or with some support), your child develops his problem-solving skills.
With good problem-solving skills, your child will soon learn to distinguish between what’s bad and what’s not.
Stupid tip no. 5: teach kindness
Desired goal: raise a polite, caring child
Result: if you force your child to do certain things, your child won’t learn to help from the heart.
At the same time, you should never give your child the feeling that he or she is loved only if he or she behaves well.
In this way, your child learns to adapt, but the development of his personality is altered.
In any case, your child should be loved unconditionally, even if his or her behavior is completely wrong.
What’s more, you can talk about your past life and feelings.
Show your child how much you enjoy taking care of others, and what exactly “caring” can look like.
When your child starts taking care of you, tell him how you feel, how much he’s helping you and how happy you are.