Couples have been the subject of numerous studies, notably to analyze what changes after the arrival of a child.
In fact, one of the most widely accepted conclusions is that mothers are happier if they play more with their children.
Of course, this is probably true, but it seems too simple to me.
In fact, there are many factors involved when it comes to happiness.
A new study from the University of California has highlighted another aspect of the divide between mothers and fathers and more broadly – women and men.
The research, or meta-analysis of three different studies, looked at the emotional health of 18,000 people and compared certain characteristics such as happiness, well-being, stress and depression.
The first two studies compared fathers with childless people and found that fathers were happier than their childless peers.
The third study compared fathers with mothers and their level of happiness in parenting and child-rearing.
Fathers appear to be happier looking after children than mothers.
Parenting makes dads happy, but it’s much more complicated for moms.
Why is this?
Research shows that dads – much more often than moms – play with their children.
Women always carry a heavier burden than men
We can assume that, of the 18,000 people who took part in the research, many of them share equal household responsibilities.
But in recent years, so much has been said about the invisible burden borne by women and mothers that even in households where housework is shared, most of the emotional work falls on women.
And if we’re honest, these findings aren’t at all surprising.
Women still often carry the cognitive load in the family.
Simply put, even when fathers are actively involved in the household, women are usually the ones responsible for keeping track of what needs to happen and when.
They make sure the family runs smoothly!
This in itself is an important and stressful task.
However, it’s an invisible burden, so at first glance it may seem that the tasks are divided equally between the parents.
But people forget to count the mental work involved in keeping track of all the different things that happen or need to be taken care of.
On the other hand, the research authors, who are mostly women, suggest that happiness around play should be equalized.
This means that if moms spent as much time playing with their children as dads, they would be just as happy as their spouses.
For them, playing with children takes a back seat to the hundreds of visible and invisible duties for which mothers are responsible.
The easiest thing to say is: “Moms, you should play with your children more often.
Leave the cooking, the dishes, the laundry behind, stop worrying about grocery lists, bills, doctor’s appointments, children’s activities and a million other things.
Just play!
If we took the burden of emotional labor off moms and let them play more, they’d feel a lot happier.
But would they be happy because they’re playing, or because they don’t have to wonder if they’ve run out of laundry detergent and if Dad has put out the wet laundry that’s been in the washing machine since yesterday?
Long story short: Moms are tired.
Moms are stressed.
Moms love their kids, but often playing with kids takes a back seat to the hundreds of visible and invisible tasks for which moms are responsible.
Ironically, research gives moms one more worry, one more invisible burden.
Now we can also worry about being unhappy because we’re doing something wrong.
Suggesting that moms have more fun and play just adds another shame to all the others.
Mothers work, provide emotional support to their families, care for and raise children, calm angry outbursts and paranoid fears.
So the suggestion that mothers should behave more like men to be happier only diminishes the role mothers play in their family communities.
And I’m not talking about the fact that it diminishes the role of fathers who are also trying to be good parents.
So how can moms really be happier?
Playing more with children is not a recipe for happiness for moms.
The only way for them to experience true happiness is to become a little selfish.
And I can already hear the critics who think that moms can’t afford to be selfish.
Well, it’s not really a choice.
It’s a necessity if you want moms to have good mental health and be able to take on the responsibilities that seem to be on the rise.
Of course, there’s no single answer to finding happiness.
After all, every woman is different.
However, here are some general tips that can help mothers increase their happiness:
1. Taking care of yourself is vital
Mothers often put their family’s needs before their own.
But moms need to feel good about themselves, look after their well-being and, above all, take care of themselves.
So be sure to prioritize self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies or time spent with friends.
2. Create a support network
Having a strong support network can make a big difference to a mom’s happiness.
This could be friends, family or other moms who can offer advice, support and encouragement.
Of course, if you don’t feel like talking about your private life with those close to you, you can also enlist the help of a therapist.
He or she is the only person who can give you the tools you need to combat your unhappiness or sadness.
3. Set realistic expectations
Mothers often feel pressured to be perfect, but setting realistic expectations can help reduce stress and increase happiness.
Focus on what’s achievable and let go of the idea of perfection.
Stop following Instagram moms who seem to have the perfect life and live in an immaculate home.
That’s not reality!
4. Practice gratitude
Focusing on the positive aspects of life can help increase happiness.
Take time to reflect on what you’re grateful for, and focus on the good things in your life.
Indeed, when events overwhelm you, it can feel like nothing is going right.
Yet that’s your fatigue talking, so get back on track!
5. Prioritize quality time with your family
Spending quality time with your family can be a source of happiness for many mothers.
This can involve activities such as a walk, a game or simply spending time together without distractions.
Here, we’re also talking about the famous game that the studies mentioned.
Whatever you do, remember that happiness is a personal journey!