Nothing is more frustrating for parents: despite requests and reminders, your child won’t listen and refuses to complete tasks or follow instructions.
Before losing patience or shouting, the first thing to do is to stay calm.
Often, your child won’t listen to you for a very specific reason.
It doesn’t matter if you ask your child, in an angel’s voice, to tidy up his room, or if you shout at him to take out the dustbin, nothing helps!
He doesn’t listen to you.
In fact, he ignores you completely.
Almost all parents are familiar with the situation where the offspring systematically ignores your requests and wishes.
First of all, you should internalize this: most children are quite willing to cooperate with or help their parents, and don’t want arguments and trouble.
But often, parents’ requests are accompanied by tedious tasks, so a certain tone of voice is unintentionally and intuitively ignored.
For you to act correctly, you first need to know why your child can’t hear in the current situation.
There may be many different reasons why your child isn’t listening to you:
1. Basic need
One possible cause is an unmet basic need such as hunger or fatigue.
After all, every adult knows: when we’re hungry or tired, it’s hard for us to concentrate.
We’re in a bad mood, and we simply don’t feel like it.
You need to allow your child to do the same.
2. Need for attention
Have you been busy today and haven’t been able to spend much time with your child?
If so, your offspring may simply want your attention.
Usually, the best way to get it is to behave badly, not well.
3. Provocation
The fact that your child doesn’t listen to you – especially in the case of teenagers – can also be considered provocation.
Here, it’s a little more difficult to understand the exact causes, especially if he or she becomes aggressive, yells or goes out of his or her way at the same time.
Self-reflection can be a first approach: think about how cooperative you’ve been today, and whether you’ve put your child off with little words like “soon”.
The child may deliberately not listen to you in order to punish you.
4. Testing limits
Young children, in particular, deliberately ignore their parents.
This is not to annoy the parents, but rather the child is trying to test the limits.
He observes how his parents react to his behavior.
5. Overstepping
From time to time, your child may simply be overwhelmed by the task you’ve given him.
This can be both homework that’s too difficult and a messy room, leaving the child disoriented and unable to follow your instructions.
6. Mimicry
Children instinctively imitate adult behavior, both positive and negative.
If you’re happy and friendly, your child will usually be too.
For example, if you’re annoyed by stress at work and sometimes raise your voice, your child may simply be mirroring your behavior.
7. Pride
Your child has done something stupid and you’ve scolded him/her for it.
Reaction: defiance.
In this case, your offspring understands very well that his reaction was stupid – but is too proud to admit the mistake.
Result: lack of cooperation.
8. Independence
The quest for independence is innate in children and is also important for survival from an evolutionary point of view.
The first signs are already visible in babies who want to hold their own bottle, even if they don’t really grasp it yet.
If your child reacts defiantly, it may be that he wants to make his own decisions and act independently.
In most cases, it’s very difficult to determine exactly what’s causing the defiant behavior.
What can you do when your child doesn’t listen to you?
Demanding strict obedience from children is now considered obsolete in most families.
However, cooperation – that is, cooperation between child and parent – is extremely important for harmonious family life.
For this to be possible, the relationship must be based on trust, in which both parties meet on an equal footing.
Successful cooperation between parents and child begins with creating a sense of unity and meeting the child’s basic needs: security, reliability and belonging form the basis of harmonious family life.
1. Choose proximity over distance
Only if you give your full attention to your child can you expect the same from him or her.
It’s not easy in everyday life, but don’t talk to your child from a distance.
Requests or demands made from one room to another are ignored more often than if you talk to your child directly at eye level and look at him.
Children are often so absorbed in their world, listening to music or in their current game, that they don’t even notice the calls being made.
So demand attention directly by being present: ask them to stop playing and listen for a moment.
It may also be helpful to ask the child to repeat the request you’ve made to make sure they hear and understand you.
2. The right choice of words
Most children need specific instructions.
So avoid vague, impersonal words and phrases.
And use the pronoun “I”.
Bad: “Can you tidy up your room, you can’t even see the floor!”
Good: “I want you to tidy your room so we don’t step on your toys.”
Bad: “Clean your room now, do you understand?”
Good: “Can you clean your room?”
3. Pay attention to the effect of voice and body language
A message is made up of spoken words, voice and body language.
When making requests, always lead with your voice from top to bottom, as this tone of voice conveys clarity.
A faint voice that unconsciously rises at the end of a sentence conveys insecurity.
Tips:
- Don’t raise your voice if you have to repeat a request. As a rule, this is not due to a lack of hearing – the child has already understood what to do the first time.
- Also, avoid becoming more insistent: stay calm and composed – an aggressive tone of voice is also transmitted to the child.
- Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes: if your child doesn’t respond to a request, ask yourself whether his or her tone of voice was perhaps too harsh.
- Try to go a little softer. With young children, this helps, for example, to encourage the child to do the task in a playful way, such as letting a doll speak in your voice.
- Brief relaxation exercises or deep breathing can work wonders when the situation threatens to escalate. Take a minute and rephrase your request to the child.
4. Praise instead of reprimand
Parents only notice when a request is not followed up immediately.
The general impression is that the child doesn’t hear.
However, most parents overlook the fact that the child very often complies with their wishes, which is usually taken for granted.
Unwanted behavior is often rewarded with attention, while most parents ignore correct behavior.
That’s why the motto is: praise instead of reprimand!
Tell your child when he’s done something right, and thank him for his cooperation.
If the child doesn’t listen, however, negative consequences must never become threats.
Even young children recognize that threats such as “going to bed without dinner” make no sense and are unlikely to be carried out.
Don’t toy with the child’s separation anxiety either, as this can have long-term effects on the relationship.
Instead, it helps to link the request to a pleasant event.
The logical consequence: the child learns that there are positive consequences if he listens to his parents.
Bad: “If you don’t clean your room now, you’ll go to bed without dinner.”
Good: “When you’ve finished tidying up, I’ll read you a book.”
The best parental response when your child doesn’t listen depends on the situation and character.
A moody teenager requires different handling than a stubborn toddler.
It’s important to react calmly, act calmly and not let the situation get out of hand.
5. Leave no room for argument
Leave no room for argument and focus on a reward later on, which the child can look forward to when he has completed his task.
Words like “if” or “as soon as” that promise a small reward can often work wonders.
Even adults know: we’d rather volunteer than do duty.
6. Give your child a choice
Give your child the opportunity to make his or her own decisions, such as which toy to put away first.
Decision-making questions simulate a degree of freedom for the child, which can increase motivation.
The fact that the child cleans his room is taken for granted, but you can give the child the illusion of voluntary action.
7. Don’t forget to thank your child
Don’t wait until the child has finished his or her homework to say thank you.
An early, friendly and honest thank-you can also increase motivation: children want to please their parents and so often feel obliged to comply with the request.
8. Break down the task
Children are often overwhelmed in everyday life.
This is where it can be useful to break the task down into smaller chunks that are completed one at a time.
For example, when it comes to tidying up the bedroom, you can first ask your child to put his books on the shelf and then proceed in small steps.
9. Motivation is key
Children often express their dissatisfaction by saying things like “I can’t do that”.
Not ignoring, but encouraging is the right pedagogical approach here.
Offer your help and draw attention to things your child can already do.
This advice can be useful, for example, if your child is reluctant to do homework.
Mother of three and a primary school teacher. I’ve always loved being around children and helping them, so I chose my path as a teacher. It is sometimes hectic with three children, but I am 100 percent into it and wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.