Your three-year-old is running between the living room and her bedroom, screaming and banging her fist on every surface…
Your school-age daughter is learning how to apply make-up, has chosen your most expensive products for it and is repainting your bathroom at the same time.
Or your four-year-old son is making his sixth tantrum of the day.
Why is that?
Because you didn’t peel his banana the way he wanted.
In these situations, some parents manage to keep a smile on their face.
But honestly, I can’t.
And I think those who do are saints.
Or maybe they’re just crazy.
Normal parents struggle with aggression in everyday life.
Because there are times when you see red.
But that’s normal!
Besides, sometimes anger can be good, cathartic.
Feeling anger is one thing, but for the sake of your children, you need to learn how to manage it.
But how can mothers and fathers manage their own anger?
Nicolas is very angry…
When Pauline picks up her son from daycare, the four-year-old doesn’t want to put on his jacket or shoes.
Your car sucks, I want Daddy’s car!
Sarah remains calm, looking forward to spending the afternoon with her son.
We’re going straight to the park to play, okay?
Nicolas shuts his car door with all his might.
He doesn’t want to.
After half an hour, the young mother gives up.
Nicolas simply doesn’t want to play.
How to save the day?
Maybe an ice cream?
She stops briefly at the shop, picks up two sundaes to take away and wants to eat them at home with her son.
At home, ice cream is always eaten at the table.
Nicolas takes one of the sundaes.
I want chocolate. I don’t want that.
He throws the cup against the wall with all his might.
The ice cream ends up on Pauline’s pants, on the white wallpaper, everywhere.
Pauline sees red.
She really wants to shake the little devil, so she grabs him firmly and opens the door to the children’s room, placing him aggressively on the bed.
Nicolas looks at her with wide eyes.
And Pauline has a guilty conscience.
Was Nicolas’ malice really directed at his mother?
Why was he trying to provoke her?
Where did Pauline’s extreme anger come from?
What had he done wrong?
Where does the anger come from?
Pauline isn’t the only one to notice her own anger in everyday parenting.
Unfortunately, children can sometimes make their parents incredibly aggressive.
Even the most patient mothers and fathers reach their limits and don’t always behave as they expect themselves to.
Yes, there comes a time when a child screams too loudly or makes too much noise at play.
But most parents manage to contain that anger, to keep their hands from slipping.
Even if your fist is closed in your pocket.
Where does this crazy anger come from?
It may be a concrete behavior on the part of the child that’s upsetting.
If the child drags his feet on purpose, even though the mother has an important appointment…
If the son throws a noisy hysterical fit on the bus…
This can lead to almost uncontrollable aggression on the part of the parents.
Parents often lack confidence, want to do everything right, but feel overwhelmed.
In arguments with their child, they hold back, suppressing their own needs and irritability.
As a result, they feel powerless and frustrated.
This insecurity, overwhelm and sense of absolute powerlessness can turn into anger.
General dissatisfaction with daily life, lack of time for your partner, constant time pressure and balancing work and family can make you irritable.
If the children are particularly noisy, cheeky or stubborn, nerves already so taut are simply stretched and anger erupts.
The famous straw that breaks the camel’s back.
The adult becomes a child himself!
Parents have a right to be angry!
Parents can’t always be kind and understanding.
Anger is a normal reaction to provocation, and it’s great for young children who want to test their limits.
But it can be extremely tiring.
And like anger, it’s a legitimate emotion.
It’s important to recognize it, understand it and think about how best to manage these emotions.
Useful questions might be:
- Was there a specific reason for my anger?
- Was my child really thinking about me, or was he just frustrated and tired and looking for an outlet?
- Why was I so aggressive?
- Should I be doing more for myself and my relaxation?
- Was it a slip of the tongue today, or am I constantly on edge?
Anyone who struggles very quickly and constantly with aggression should seek professional help.
For example, at an educational counseling center or a psychotherapy practice.
This also applies to parents who can’t control their anger.
If you’re exhausted, a longer break with a cure, available for exhausted mothers or fathers, may help.
What to do in a tantrum?
What to do when you see red?
Here’s a short list of tips that can help you control temper tantrums:
- Try to understand the situation!
What’s going on right now?
Is my child really talking about me, or has he been stressed at daycare or school?
Stopping for a moment helps.
- Get out of the house!
It’s best to take your child with you and get out in the fresh air together.
- Breathe in and out consciously, preferably in front of an open window.
This brings more oxygen to the brain and stimulates blood circulation.
It also promotes the ability to act calmly and deliberately.
- Throwing things helps.
But only soft things like pillows.
Laughing together during a pillow fight also compensates a lot.
- If reprimand is necessary, be careful in your choice of words and tone of voice.
Don’t tell the child: “You’re bad”, but rather: “What you’ve done is bad”.
It’s not necessary to raise your voice; a strict, serious tone of voice can do more.
- Physical contact can relieve tension.
Sometimes it helps to hug the child.
- Apologize to your child after a tantrum.
And do it right away!
It’s important to explain again to your child why his or her behavior made you angry.
And apologize sincerely if your response was inappropriate.
Parents sometimes hit their children.
If this happens, make sure you get help and support!
Conclusion
If anger ferments too long, it can become dangerous.
It’s important to understand and accept your own feelings.
Because anger can also be a positive force, helping you to finally say what’s bothering you, change circumstances and release energy.
Sometimes anger is good.