Giving children praise is an often discussed approach to parenting. It’s quite hard to find the right balance and avoid either of the possible side effects.
One being spoiling your child, so that they expect cheers for simply existing. And another – failing to cultivate their confidence and self-respect.
Children, of course, need positive reinforcement in order to grow and understand which of the things they do are good for them and other people, and which aren’t.
It’s the very same reason they need to hear critique.
So, What Isn’t a Meaninful Praise?
Sadly, it’s the exact one we hear most often: well done, you’re such a good kid and alike.
Why? Because those words don’t actually say much. They just give the child a sense of acomplishment – whether it’s deserved or not.
I know you mean it, and you’d like nothing better than to dote on the child all the time and bless every step they take because that’s simply natural.
Though, I guess parenting is difficult because we often have to go against our immediate wishes for the greater good.
What Does a Meaningful Praise Sound Like?
A meaningful feedback targets the exact reason the child is receiving recognition. Think of it like an employer giving feedback to their employee.
“You’re doing great” is nice to hear, but it says very little. What am I doing great? Can I do it again in the future if I don’t know exactly what it is?
Your child may not be able to rationalize it this way, but it’s quite the same for them.
Praise them for concrete things they do well: you colored that very well, you ate everything in your plate, you were polite in the store…
This makes their sense of acomplishment justified and encourages them to repeat the good behavior in the future.
9 Concrete Tips for Giving Children Meaningful Recognition
Let’s go through nine things you can do (or avoid doing) in order to make your praise more meaningful and beneficial to your child.
1. Don’t Generalize
To underline this one again – because it matters – don’t give vague recognition. It comess off as insencere and is of no use to your child.
Sometimes you are overwhelmed with many things, and it’s easiest to repeat “good job” to your child when they try to show you something.
I’m not saying you must never say these words, but try to be as present as possible and to make each praise and critique count.
That way, your words actually guide your child and make it easier for them to separate the good from the bad in the future.
2. Mean It
Children are naive, but they aren’t without intuition. More often than not, especially since they know you very well, they can tell whether your compliment is half-hearted or sincere.
Getting an honest praise will make them much happier and fulfilled, and it will give a serious boost to their self-esteem.
At the same time, deciding to only be truthful with your compliments, you’re guaranteed to stop over-praising your children and risk spoiling them.
This way they gain recognition only when it’s earned, but it’s honest and benficial to them.
3. Don’t Give Praise for Anything and Everything
This naturally ties to being honest with the approval you give.
Praising the child constantly and for no immediate reason is sure to allow for some dishonesty. Moreover, they may easily get an ego this way and become spoiled.
You don’t want to raise them into a person who thinks they’re deserving of everything for simply waking up in the morning.
That’s how your word loses value, which you should never permit.
Teach them that recognition has to be earned over and over again.
4. No One Likes to Be Compared to Others
Uplifting your child by comparing them to the bad neighbor’s kid is one of the worst ways you can go about complimenting them.
You spark unnecessary rivalry, and more often than not we encounter this between siblings.
Parents think they’re motivating their child by comparing them to the other one, but all it does is pin the children against one another.
Avoid saying things like ‘you’re already better than your brother’ or comparing the grades of your children with others’.
That makes the child feel like they have to one-up someone else to be considered successful.
Although a healthy dose of competetive spirit is great, don’t make your child feel like they have to compete for your approval.
5. Praise Can Be a Manipulation Tool
And though it can, it really shouldn’t be.
Parents often try to use compliments to send their children down the path they decided on.
So, for instance, if your daughter doesn’t particularly enjoy the dance class you enrolled her in, you may feel inclined to get her to keep doing it by praising her skill.
This is also a form of dishonesty, and can even be dubbed gaslighting.
It also teaches your child to endure through things they don’t like in order to get others’ approval, which is a terrible thing for their mental health in the longterm.
It can set them up for being easily manipulated in their future friendships and relationships.
6. Give Praise for the Right Things
It’s important to focus on the important things. Your approval as a parent is a powerful tool in shaping your child’s mindset and behaviors.
So, it’s very important to praise them for the right things.
For instance, you may often see people approve of their children’s achievements alone, without giving proper encouragement for all their effort.
If you know your child studied and practiced for their test, but they didn’t get a straight A, praise their effort anyway.
This teaches them to keep working hard and to analyze their own efforts and actions in order to get better.
Of course, achievements should also be commended, but try to find a proper balance between the two.
7. Don’t Dismiss the Child’s Enthusiasm
People’s interests vary. While football may be someone’s favorite thing in the world, someone else may find it simply boring.
Likewise, you child may have picked up some skills and hobbies you don’t really understand. However, understand this – it’s important to them and they want to include you in it.
Childhood hobbies and passions usually end up being children’s dream for the future, so be careful not to trample their hopes.
Regarding what’s important to them halfheartedly may lessen their motivation and make them feel silly for enjoying it.
Though they may never become a professional sports player or a fashion designer, don’t take away from their giddiness over what they enjoy most.
Besides, giving enthusiastic support will help them acquire new skills, which can lead them to a successful future in various different ways. And even if not – aren’t they allowed to have a passion?
8. Get Creative
Though praise is often related to words alone, there are various ways in which you can show your child you’re proud of them.
There are colored ribbons, stars, tight hugs or even gifts. This, of course, doesn’t mean to go over the board, but do treat your child when they deserve it.
Honesty is still important, so commend them in a way that comes most naturally to you. So to speak, praise them in your own love language.
9. It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It
Depending on the reason you’re giving your child positive reinforcement, you may be excited for them, serious, easy-going…
It all depends upon the situation and it’s required that you’re present in the moment.
Maintain eye-contact and match the tone of your voice to the occasion. These things commonly come naturally if you’re not too distracted with other things.
In Conclusion
It may sound complicated to thread the line between good and bad praise, but it’s really about common sense.
Consider what benefits your child most and be earnest and honest about the reinforcement you offer.
A well thought-out praise can have longterm positive effect on your child, and prompt them to become a confident yet humble person.
It can also bring you closer since they’ll understand you appreciate them and support their efforts and interests.